Learn to Write Effective Procedures – Training Course

You have procedures but they’re long-winded, out-of-date and nobody uses them?

Or your processes are not written down and everyone does their own thing?

Start on the path to order and consistency with a 2-day procedure writing training course at your site where your team learn how to create effective procedures.

Learn to write procedures like this
Learn to write procedures like this

What makes one procedure difficult to follow and another one a joy to use? The answer is not simple, even though the result is. It’s a combination of useful information, clear wording, carefully chosen photos and diagrams, and an easily-scanned layout. This practical 2-day course covers how to write effective procedures, including exercises and coaching, where participants practice rewriting current procedures and creating procedures from scratch.

What does the course cover?

Training and assessing against a procedure
Training and assessing against a procedure
  • What makes an effective procedure
  • What information to include and what to put elsewhere
  • Organizing information: sequence and grouping
  • Being accurate and specific
  • Using photos and diagrams to convey information effectively
  • Writing clearly
  • Information-gathering
  • Controlling risk
  • Consultation and reviewing
  • Document management

Book a procedure writing training course now: call (+61) 0412 302 055 or email rosemary.odonoghue@gmail.com

Free SOP Template

Looking for a simple template for work instructions and SOPs? Download your free SOP template here TW Procedure Template . Learn how to use it from my book Clarity out of Complexity: Writing Effective Business Procedures by Rosemary O’Donoghue, available on Amazon, or book a 2 day training course at your site.

Need help? Call me (+61) 0412 302 055 or email me at rosemary.odonoghue@gmail.com

NZ Episode 4 Abel Tasman National Park

Thursday 14 February 2013

On Day 6 we explored the jewel of the north island: Abel Tasman National Park.

Lyn had the table set for breakfast by the time we surfaced on Thursday morning. We had cereal, juice, fruit and coffee, Lyn insisting on making plunger coffee just for me. Lyn assured us she’d packed a picnic lunch, and suggested we bring a small backpack. The only one I had with me was my laptop bag, so I emptied it and loaded up extra fruit, water, swimmers, a jumper, and a towel for Col and I to share.

We climbed into Garry & Lyn’s 4WD. Garry drove us out to Kaiteriteri Beach, giving us a running commentary on the way, as we passed orchards and green fields of growing vegetables.

We pulled into a busy carpark and Garry fronted up to the booking booth. Apparently there were not enough people booked on the cruise he’d selected, so they’d transferred us to another operator with a smaller boat. We took our backpacks from the car and Garry offered us bottles of water to carry. I loaded two into the backpack and selfishly handed the backpack to Colin to carry, while I carried an extra bottle of water for myself.

The water taxi guide rounded us up and herded us down to the beach, which had a tropical look and feel. Who would have believed we were so far south? The water was the deep blue of the Whitsundays, and the hills were covered in greenery. The day was glorious, the sun glinting off the water. There was a strong wind blowing, but Garry assured us we’d be in the lee of the land, well-sheltered from the wind.6_1 Looking down on Kaiteriteri Beach

A thin, pretty girl, with piercings and tatts and no shoes, haughtily lit up a cigarette and drew on it, making no effort to blow the smoke away from the group.

One by one we had our tickets checked and waded into the water, to climb into the back of the boat, then make our way to the front and take a seat. Colin complained about my big bum, saying he could fit just one cheek on the seat. The skipper handed out lifejackets, which we each struggled into in the limited space.

We bounced across the water, the skipper pointing out places along the way. We circled close to split apple rock, an unusual formation of a rounded boulder split down the centre, sitting perched above the water near a beach. We stopped at a couple of beaches to let people off, or transfer them to other boats. The dainty girl with bucket-loads of attitude, but no luggage and very few clothes, skipped off at one beach. “We’ll be back for you at four,” the skipper told her.

We were dropped at Torrent Bay. Behind the slice of beach was a row of houses. If I understood correctly, although it was a National Park, people were allowed to keep holiday houses there, though they were not allowed to live there pe6_4 Split Apple Rockrmanently. They were allowed, apparently, because the houses were there before it became a National Park. We made our way past a noisy group of children to a quieter spot by the lake inlet. We sat down and Garry handed out a lunch pack each with sandwiches, home-cooked slices and biscuits, fruit and a chocolate bar. I pulled some oranges from our pack and I commissioned Colin to peel them for us.

After we had a munch, we put on our shoes and headed off on the track through the rainforest. It was a smooth track, with a gentle climb. Garry set up a good pace and Lyn kept up, chatting to me as we walked. Colin lagged behind, and every so often we stopped while he caught up.

We swapped and Garry walked with Colin, while Lyn and I took our time, talking almost all the way. We passed lots of people walking in the opposite direction, and several passed us going our way. Along the way we stopped and ate our sandwiches.

A track led off to Medlands Beach. “That’s where we catch the water taxi home from,” Garry pointed out. “But we’ll go to Bark Bay for a swim first.”

Bark Bay was another lovely sheltered beach. It was lined with people stretched out on the sand. The water looked calm and inviting, though very few people were swimming. Garry immediately dropped his backpack on the beach up near the bush then dropped his shorts, his shirt hanging low. “He must have worn his speedos,” I thought, but then his undies hit the sand and he’d pulled his speedos on so swiftly I didn’t even have time to take a peek.

Lyn disappeared up the beach in search of toilets, and Garry pointed out to me where to follow. By the time I returned in my swimmers, they were all floating in the water. I stopped at the edge. “Come on, just do it,” Colin called. I plunged in and swam out to them. Glorious!6_12 The Walking Party

Garry, our organiser, let us know when it was time to head back to catch the taxi, apologising for the short swim. Hey, we were the slow ones, not him.

There was a small crowd of people waiting at Medlands Beach, and a stiff wind blowing. We found a place at one end of the bay that was more sheltered, while we waited for the boat, which may have been a little late (though I don’t know, I wasn’t worrying about anything). A bigger boat took us back. It had a fancy gangway that folded out onto the beach so we could climb on without getting our feet wet.

Back at Kaiteriteri, Lyn unpacked a thermos of tea, and we had a cuppa on picnic blankets on the beach. I’d saved the homemade bickies, which I relished with my tea. Afterwards, we took a drive up to the headland, looking at the modern houses and checking out the view. We drove up onto a block with an amazing view, which Garry told us had been for sale for years. That’s my block, I reckon.

Tony had asked his parents to take us for the world’s best fish and chips at Mapua. On the way, we pulled into a supermarket. I dashed in and bought a bottle of wine, and Lyn picked up some plastic wineglasses. Down by the water, Colin and Garry minded a picnic table while Lyn & I went and bought battered blue-eyed cod and chips. We enjoyed them together with a good glass of local sauvignon blanc.

At the end of the wharf was a pole with a heron perched on it. When I looked again I realised it wasn’t a live bird, it was a sculpture. Garry told us the story behind it. Apparently a heron frequented the wharf each winter for something like 30 years. The locals named him Hamish. When he finally disappeared, the locals decided to put up a monument to him, which continually fools people like me, even though it’s double the size of a real heron. Amazingly, Hamish is made of horsehoes, but you’d never know it to look at him.

After dinner, Garry drove us out to see Rabbit Island, a sandy island of public parkland at the head of Tasman Bay, where families and groups had picnics and Garry liked to go fishing with mates.

Garry and Lyn, who lived for many years in Wellington, chose this area to retire, because of its great weather (mild temperatures, with relatively low rainfall), its beauty, and leisure activities. For several years they had a caravan on Kaiteriteri Beach, where they stayed most weekends and a boat that they’d take out and explore Abel Tasman National Park. They tired of the caravan, deciding they wanted to visit other places as well, and sold the boat because it wasn’t getting enough use since they went out on friends’ boats a lot of the time. Now they have a 4WD and an Ultimate Camper trailer in Australia, where they spend the winter touring around. I think they have it pretty well worked out.

Back at “home”, Lyn asked me if I had any washing I’d like to do. She’d told us we could stay as many nights as we liked, so we gratefully accepted another night. I put some light-coloured clothes into the washing machine and left my darks next to it while I had a shower. In the meantime, Lyn hung out my clothes and started the next load. Unbeknownst to me, she also hung out the next load while I sat at the dining room table and transferred photos from my camera to my laptop. The next morning, while I ate the breakfast she’d laid out for us, she brought all of mine and Colin’s clothes in, beautifully folded. Wow! I felt guilty, but I so enjoyed being mothered again.

When packing up our gear, Garry offered us extra bottles of water, while Lyn gave us doggy-do bags, which she said come free from the Council and are very handy rubbish bags. She said she worries about dying and people finding doggy-do bags in her freezer and wondering what’s in them.

After hugs and goodbyes and vowing to catch up when they’re next in Sydney, we’re on the road again.


Like me to write about your destination? Commission me to go there and write about it for you. Email me rosemary.odonoghue@gmail.com.

NZ Episode 3 Across to Nelson

13 February 2013

On Day 5 we travelled through a beautiful landscape, swam in a peaceful bay, and were pampered by locals.

After Picton we headed west towards Havelock and Nelson. We turned up the Kenepuru Road towards Kenepuru Head, and saw magnificent scenery of mountains and bays.

For lunch we stopped at Te Mahia, a short side road leading down to the bay. At the bWhere we swamottom of the bay was a small wharf. As we walked out to the wharf to take a photo, a woman left her towel and shoes on the wharf and slipped into the water to breaststroke away. That looks like a good idea, we thought. In no time we were in our swimmers and doing likewise, only making more splash. It was glorious!

Our next stop was Havelock. Since it was famous for green mussels, we went down to the dock, expecting to be able to buy them there, but we couldn’t see any signs. So I checked the Rough Guide to NZ and found they could be bought at the local Four Square supermarket. In the shop, we were directed to a stainless steel shallow tub with water running down a perspex cover. We lifted a lid and heaped mussels into a bag, which we took to the counter to be weighed. They were surprisingly cheap, only around $4 a kilo, but that was with shells.

We were headed for Nelson, to visit Tony’s parents. We’d never met them before, but I’d worked for Tony for over a year and he asked if I’d like to visit his folks during our trip. He asked them if they’d like to entertain us for a day, and when they agreed, he put us in contact.

We rolled into Nelson late afternoon and found a bottleshop. I didn’t want to turn up empty-handed, so I thought they might like some mussels and a bottle of wine. When I asked for a recommendation for a local wine, I was told a winery owner was just then conducting a wine-tasting. I tasted a sauvignon blanc, which was quite good, then a chardonnay, which was quite ordinary. The sauvignon blanc was respectably expensive, so I figured it would do.

Garry and Lyn live a bit out of Nelson, at Richmond. The moment we drove into their yard, the5_4 View on the road to Havelocky were out to greet us, asking about our trip and checking out the camper van, before we could even open the car doors. They took us inside and offered us drinks. While tea was brewing, Garry pulled out a map and asked us about our plans for Nelson. When we told him we were hoping for suggestions, he told us the jewel of the area was Abel Tasman National Park. He suggested we take a water taxi from Kaiteriteri Beach to Bark Bay and walk to Torrent Bay then get a water taxi back. Sounded good to us, not too far to walk, and he assured us it was an easy walk. So he went to book it. He came back to say we’d do the reverse trip, since the water taxi didn’t pick up from Torrent Bay in the evenings.

Lyn unpacked homemade slices from containers. “You must keep your tins full” she said she was told when she first came to New Zealand from South Africa. She’d been used to having servants, with food just appearing, and dirty clothing disappearing and reappearing clean. So, as a young wife, she had had to adjust to a different life in New Zealand.

They showed us though the house. “Here’s your bathroom – we call it the bonking bathroom,” Lyn said. Two basins, a deep bath, carpet, and steps up to a shower on a podium. Hmmm, could be fun to bonk in. “And this is your bedroom”, she said, showing us a lovely bedroom with a queen-size bed with a fluffy doona and lots of pillows.

We stopped to look at photos of the boys on the hallway wall: Tony and Duncan as little boys, then older, then in their graduation robes and caps, then with their wives.

We brought in our gear from the van and I showered while Lyn prepared dinner and Col and Garry had a beer in front of the telly. That night we had a delicious dinner of chicken drumsticks in lemon, honey and rosemary, home-grown beans and carrots, and baked potatoes, accompanied by a sauvignon blanc that Garry brought in from the fridge in the garage. Over dinner, Lyn entertained us with stories and hilarious impersonations of their camping friends and the clerks at the motor registry when they tried to register their Ultimate camper in Sydney. She said she was told not to tell “young Tony” stories, so we didn’t get any that I hadn’t already heard.

After dinner, Garry started a slideshow from his computer onto the TV screen. He showed us photos from Tony & Jane’s South Island tour, when Tony brought Jane to meet them and to propose to Jane on the ice at Franz Josef glacier. The story goes that Tony asked the helicopter pilot to take a photo of them, which Jane argued about, because she takes the photos. I can just imagine it, Jane saying, “No, I’ll do it,” and Tony gently insisting. Then we saw the photo, Tony down on one knee, looking unusually serious, holding his hands up to Jane, Jane leaning over them, her hair tilted forward obscuring her face, but her body language saying “OMG, what’s this?” Maybe Tony had told me that he proposed to Jane on the glacier, but if he had, I’d forgotten.

Well-fed and content, we are now settling down for a sleep in a soft bed surrounded by pillows.

Like me to write about your destination? Commission me to go there and write about it for you. Email me rosemary.odonoghue@gmail.com.



It’s a slow start in Istanbul. When I get off the plane I walk past the visa counters, as I had organised my visa in Aus, so I thought I’d be close to the front of the queue. But the queue for immigration winds back and forth around barriers, worse than waiting for a ride in a theme park. It moves reasonably quickly, however. Nearly at the desks, a young British man yells at an older man and woman:

“Oy! Ow about you go to the back of the queue like everyone else, then!”

The woman is taken aback, then says: “I’m sick.”

“I’m Turkish, anyway,” the man says. “I’m just here to be with her.”

“Does that give you the right to jump the line then?” the British guy asks.

They just ignore him and the British guy lets up.

I walk the length of the baggage hall before I find the carousel with my bag on it. I look for what’s allowed through customs but everything is in Turkish and we weren’t given any instructions on the plane (at least not in English.) I have fruit in my backpack, but I don’t know the rules about it. There’s a door with a sign “Nothing to declare” that everyone seems to be going through, so I follow.

Out in the hall there is a huge crowd of people standing watching, most with signs saying someone’s name. I don’t spot my name first time round, so I walk up and down again, people calling to me to look at their placards. Still no luck.

I remember I need to get Turkish Lira so I go to a machine and withdraw some. Then I scan the names again, back and forth. No luck. I stand aside, pondering what to do. I turn on my phone, but it doesn’t work. I try to connect to wifi but it doesn’t work. I see there’s a phone shop nearby. Maybe I could buy a simcard.

I walk up and down again, and eventually spot my name on a piece of paper stuck to the barrier. I point to it and a man behind the barrier says:

“Which one?”

I point again. “Please come around here,” he says to me. “It belongs to my colleague. He will be here soon.”

I trundle around. He asks me to point out my name again. “Please wait.” he says.

In a few minutes, he takes the piece of paper off the barrier and gives it to a bald man with narrow hips and points at me. For the next 20 minutes or so, the man with the narrow hips beckons me to follow him, asks me to wait at a spot, goes away and comes back with 3 German women, beckons us to follow him, asks us to wait at a spot, goes away, comes back, beckons us to follow, wait, follow, wait, and then directs the German ladies into a car. Eventually he directs me to a car and I’m on my way.

It’s hot and humid and twilight, almost dusk as we leave the airport and drive in crazy traffic along the edge of the water. There must be more than a hundred ships I can see out on the water. There’s a thick pall of brown smog settled over the city. There are modern buildings but tucked around them are mosques with slender minarets rising around them. At one stage we drive through arches of what is unmistakably an ancient wall.

My driver is good. He tells me it will take 30 minutes and he keeps a good distance from the cars in front. He toots regularly to warn cars or trucks that we pass close to or that are drifting towards us. When we are nearly there he turns into narrow streets, narrow like mediaeval towns, and crowded with people. He toots and edges forward. The people are drinking outside a bar and they move aside to let us through. A few more turns up narrow streets and he stops the car, opens the door and gets out my luggage. It’s just a narrow backstreet, lined with cafes.

I get out, bewildered, but am soon reassured when a young man approaches me and introduces himself as Berkay, Bec’s friend. He shows me a doorway, next to a cafe. (Bec is my niece, who has travelled extensively and now lives in another part of Turkey. She recommeded Berkay’s apartment, 212 Istanbul Suites.)

“You enter through the cafe,” he tells me, “but after midnight, you come through here and enter the code: 0003. That is, 3 zeros then 3.”

He directs me up metal steps to the first floor, the lights coming on as we go. Using an electronic card, we go into the apartment. It is spacious, L-shaped, open-plan, timber floor. A lounge, a double bed, a kitchen, with the bathroom leading off from it.

“Sit, please sit,” he motions me towards the lounge. I drop my gear on the coffee table and sit, then remove my gear from the table and put it on the floor as he starts to show me things he has on the table: 3 tourist guide books for Istanbul, a brochure on tours and attractions, some Turkish Delight in a glass bowl with a glass lid that he takes off to offer me. He shows me around the apartment, where everything is, gives me translated instructions for the washing machine ,other general instructions. He tells me the room is not serviced every day unless I request it – just let him know the day before. He says they don’t normally come into the apartment unless we ask for service.

I decide to book tours there and then. I thought I’d do a tour tomorrow, then look around myself. But he suggests I look around the local area, which is modern Istanbul, and do a tour on Saturday. He tells me there are protests planned in Taksim Square for Saturday, so I should be away from this area. He says he will ask the tour company to drop me at his hostel in the old area afterwards until he knows it is safe to go back to the apartment. I decide to do a tour Friday and a Bosphorus Cruise Saturday.

Berkay also shows me a brochure about a whirling dervishes show. I’ve heard about whirling dervishes, a ceremony connected to Rumi the 13th century poet. A story I read some time back which I think was a fictionalised version of Rumi’s life was, if I remember rightly, written by the same author who wrote the Bastard of Istanbul. One of the reasons I wanted to come to Istanbul, along with Bec’s raves about Turkey, was because of descriptions that I read in The Bastard of Istanbul. So I ask to go to the whirling dervishes show. Berkay tells me this is not like belly-dancing, it is a cultural show. He would book it for me for the next evening.

He tells me not to drink the water from the tap. Ooops, this is a problem. I’ve totally run out of water, and I’m already thirsty. I ask him where the nearest supermarket is so I can buy water. He tells me he will show me. He also tells me how to get to the main street, Istiklal St, and how to remember how to get back – there’s a McDonalds on the corner that I need to turn at.

So we walk up the cobblestoned street to the supermarket and he says goodbye. He lives just a couple of streets away himself. I wander into the supermarket. There’s a big bottle of water, so I grab that and put it in the trolley, not even thinking about how heavy it will be to carry. I need some washing powder, but, shit, everything’s written in Turkish. Which ones are washing powder? I take a bit of a guess and pick up a bottle of liquid. What else do I need? I add some sliced cheese, some tomatos and a lettuce to the trolley, none of which I end up eating. I look in all the fridges for milk but can’t find it. It’s around 9:30pm here and the man starts closing over fridges and turning off lights. Finally I ask “Milk?” The shop owner looks puzzled and I’m contemplating mooing but not really in the mood for animal noises. Luckily another customer points to cartons right next to him. Oh, must be long-life milk. I thank him, take some and go pay.

Already I head off in the wrong direction and find myself on Istiklal Street, which is lined with shops and teeming with people. That’s OK, I’ll walk until I find McDonalds, turn left, then 2nd left. After I turn off the main street, there are cafes lining the alley and I am invited in to 1 of them. Someone else offers lewdly to help me as I trudge uphill with the big bottle of water. Reaching the cafe under my apartment, I walk across it and up the stairs. I’d love to look around, but maybe it’d be better to wait till morning.

Instead I pull the bags of dirty clothes from my suitcase and try to work out how to run the washing machine. The instructions Berkay pointed out are for a different model, so I do a lot of random button-pushing until the machine sounds like it’s filling up. I start to look through the guide book but tiredness sets in and I go to bed.

Istanbul Day 2

I wake late. It’s after 9:30am. I drag the washing that I’d done the night before from the machine and drape it all around, then get dressed and go downstairs to the cafe for breakfast. I really feel like I should have a Turkish breakfast (whatever that is) but am a creature of habit and ask for a Hong Kong breakfast – muesli, yoghurt and banana – and a cappuccino. (It seems like cappuccino means the same thing in every country, so at least I know what I’m getting.) It’s exactly what I want, but huge, so I can’t eat it all. I try to get my head around attractions in the local area by browsing the one guidebook that’s in English, but decide it’ll be easier to just head down the main street.

I decide to try to get a Turkish simcard, have a look at Taksim Square, which is nearby, and maybe buy a cooler longsleeved top. Already I’m cooking in my stretchy purple top and I’m not yet sure whether it’s acceptable to wear low cut singlets in a Moslem country. Istiklal St is busy, but not as teeming as last night. A single-carriage red tram, packed with people, with children hanging off the back step, runs slowly up the middle of the street.

Almost immediately I see a shop with interesting T-shirts. I end up browsing the full 5 stories of the shop and leaving with a T-shirt and a longsleeved cotton green shirt. Prices are not expensive. The Turkish lira is worth 50cAU yet clothes prices are in TL what you’d expect in AU.

A couple of shops further on is a TurkCell shop, one of Turkey’s mobile phone providers. I tell them I want a simcard, prepaid and they seem to understand and I ask them to put it in for me, which they do. They keep saying: “In 10 minute, enter code,” and point to the code on the card the simcard has come from. I say I want data too and they say: “data extra”. I say OK.

I pay using my travel visa, and enter the code. They ask me to do it again, and I assume that’s the extra. Then they ask me to do it again. “But I did it already,” I say.

“Didn’t work,” they tell me, so I enter again, and apparently this time it does.

I wander up to Taksim Square. Like most squares, there is a monument in the middle, looks like people in combat. There are also lots of pigeons pecking at the ground, and there seems to be seed sprinkled around. Along one side are flower stalls selling fresh flowers and fake garlands. As soon as I approach, the stall owners stand up and walk towards me, so I back off and take photos. At the far end of the square is a park. Near Istiklal St corner are several kebab stores emitting heat and the smell of cooking meat.

Ten minutes later I enter the code and the carrier shows up on my phone. But I can’t get data, so I return to the shop.

“I can’t get data,” I tell them.

“Data extra. Data extra,” they keep saying. The lady demonstrates that the phone works by calling her mobile.

“But I paid data already,” I keep saying.

Anyway, in the end they say: “60 lira phone only. No data. Data extra.”

So I put an extra 25TL on my card and then I have data. Yay!

I’m really hot by now, so I head back to the apartment to change into my newly-bought cooler clothes. As I mount the stairs I see the door is wide open. What the….? I continue in and there is a young woman in the kitchen. Clearly she is cleaning, so I relax.

I duck into the bathroom and change my clothes, then sit on the lounge and check emails & fb. Meanwhile the cleaner strips my bed and changes the sheets. I’d made the bed myself before I went out because Berkay had said they only service the room if we ask for it. Somehow the communication must have gone awry.

I receive a text from Berkay. He has booked the whirling dervishes show for me for 7pm. I look up the location on google maps. It’s 3 km away, according to googlemaps, 35 minutes walk. When I look up public transport, it comes up with nothing. It’s the other end of town and over the bridge. Well, I figure I can work my way down to that end of town during the day, go to the show, then walk back.

I set off down the main street. It’s getting busier, and somehow the mainstream seems to be opposite to the direction I’m heading. I try to keep right to dodge people. I go into another clothes shop, attracted by a T-shirt that says “Istanbul In Love” on it. The shop is busy, with a huge long queue feeding 8 registers. I emerge with some T-shirts for myself and others, including the “Istanbul In Love” one.

I meander down the main street, diverging into side streets and markets every now and then. At intervals there are carts selling crusty donut-shaped sesameseed-coated bread, and (I think) roasted chestnuts. The aroma of burnt chestnuts is one of the smells I keep coming across. I suspect the sewerage system is not the best, because a faint aroma of sewer is another of the predominant smells. There is also the incessant smell of smoke. Everywhere people smoke cigarettes, but at cafes there are also hookahs that are continually refilled by waiters. Cafe life seems to be a part of the culture, with people just sitting, chilling, drinking tea, and smoking.

There are stray cats everywhere. They slink around, hide under cars and chairs. Further down the street I come to Galata Tower and I go up sidestreets in search of coffee. I find a kitten and its mother cuddling together. At a cafe I ask for cappuccino but they have only Turkish coffee, so I go back to a “Best Coffee” shop opposite the tower and have one there.

A young muslim woman, in black hijab, sits next to me with her husband. She catches my eye and smiles and I smile back.

“Where do you come from?” she asks, as she unwraps her scarf and rewraps it again, which appears to me to be a gesture of friendship.

I tell her, and assume she is local. She asks me if my family is with me and I tell her I’m travelling alone. She asks about children and a husband and I tell her I have 3 grown-up children and am divorced. Her English is very limited, but her body language says, as she gestures towards her husband “I wouldn’t mind getting rid of him.” She indicates that changing husbands after 10 years would suit her. She has 3 children, 2 boys and a girl. The oldest is 11, the youngest only around 2, and she says her mother is minding them, which is good, but she misses the baby.

Communication is fairly difficult but I realise she, too, is on holidays. I think she worked somewhere, that she’d been to University but that she wasn’t using her qualifications. It’s a bit hard to understand.

My coffee is long finished so I get up to leave and we say goodbye and smile goodbye some more times.

Past Galata Tower the street name changes and there is a string of music shops: gleaming brass instruments in one, drums in another, stringed instruments in another. Amongst the modernness there are overflowing bags of rubbish grouped at intervals along the street. There are occasional cars and motor bikes tooting their way through the stream of pedestrians and the streets are cobblestoned and rough.

I am in sight of the Bosphorus (or maybe it’s the adjoining Golden Horn, the strip of water that was once a river) now, the wide waterway, and the Galata Bridge. I sit on a retaining wall to rest my legs and watch the world go by. Parked adjacent to me is a black car with a man slumped backwards against the driver’s door, an arm resting across the steering wheel, like he’s been shot in the stomach and floundered backwards. There are no obvious wounds. I watch him for a while but he doesn’t move. I wonder if he’s dead. The blinkers on his car are flashing.

Eventually he wakes up and drives off.

I look for a way to cross the road, and find an underpass. There are shops in the subway, too. I emerge into what looks like abandoned roadworks, then make my way down to the edge of the water. There are restaurants all along.

The Galata Bridge has 2 levels. Cars go across the top and along the bottom are restaurants. As I walk along the bottom, waiters try to lure me into their restaurants. I see a bucket tied to rope being lowered into the water from above, then hauled up again. There are fisherman above, all along the top of the bridge. (The next day, my Tour Guide tells me some of these fisherman sell their catch to the restaurants under the bridge.)

At the other side of the bridge is an overpass. I’m trying to work my way to the Hodja Pasha Dance Centre, an old bathhouse where the whirling dervish show is on, so that I know where it is for later on. I come across the train station and sit inside in the cool for a while. Another thing I find out later is that this station is the one where the Orient Express used to end. Further up the street and down an alley I locate the Hodja Pasha Centre.

There are hole-in-the-wall “restaurants” lining the narrow alleys, most of them with only 4 tables. I allow one of them to lure me in and order vine-leaf rolls, some yoghurt and a coke, and linger for a long while as I slowly eat them. The owner hovers, asks me several times if I’m all right. Finally I get up to leave and pay and he suddenly remembers I’d asked for a different type of yoghurt. He makes out his wife forgot it, she looks embarrassed, but it’s obvious who forgot.

I still have hours to fill in and I really don’t want to walk back to my apartment, so I decide to look at the nearby “new”mosque, which is a mere 400 years old. I go into the courtyard and watch men washing at the taps. I found out the next day that it is the custom to wash face, hands and feet before they go into the mosque to pray.

I suss out what tourists need to do and pull out the scarf I’d brought and put it on. I’m already covered from shoulder to knees, so that’s good. I take my shoes off and put them into a plastic bag supplied at the door, to carry with me. Inside there’s a cordoned off area, ostensibly for prayer, but as well as people praying there are children running wild on the large carpeted space. Behind the cordon, tourists sit on the floor, while others walk around taking photos. There are pretty tiled patterns all over the inside of the roof domes. I’d love to get down in the prayer attitude myself, to bend my knees and stretch my back after all the walking. But I know that, with my hips, to get up off the floor I’d practically have to do downward dog, which is not a pretty sight, so I resist the urge.

The spice markets are just next door, so I wander in there next. It’s crazy crowded. There are stalls selling spices, nuts, grain, fruit, jewellery, knickknacks and a heap of other stuff. I try to buy a small bag of cherries but the guy will only sell me 500g so I don’t buy. Instead I buy some pistacchios.

Back at the Dance Centre people are already filing in. I follow, and explain at the desk that I’ve booked, showing them Berkay’s text with the booking reference. Upstairs where they give me my ticket, they offer a free drink of juice, water or tea. The theatre is round, made of stones, and not very large. By the time the show starts, just about all the seats are taken.

We are told that it’s not appropriate to applaud or take photographs during the ceremony.

It starts with traditional music that I don’t really know how to describe. It is eery, and if it followed conventions of western music it would definitely be in a minor key, with a sadness about it. At times it developes a beat that you almost felt like tapping to. And while the singing is not like ours, you can tell that the men have beautiful voices.

Then the whirlers come in, 5 of them I think, mostly young men, one a little older. They come in solemnly, take off their black cloaks to reveal white robes and do lots of bowing. Then, essentially, they spin around to the music, flaring out their robes, for pretty much an hour. Don’t know how they manage to do it without getting hopelessly dizzy. The spiritual significance, as I understand it, is to free themselves of worldly longings.

It started out being cool in the theatre, but by the end it is hot and stuffy. Next to me, a young boy about 10 years old sits patiently and finally falls asleep against his mother, who cradles him lovingly.

We all file out silently, with no applause for the musicians or whirlers.

I hadn’t been looking forward to the long walk back but as it turned out I love being out at that time of night, just as it’s beginning to get dark. There are lights on the boats and the bridge and the mosques are lit up. Magical.

Down by the waterfront I pass a stall frying fish. It smells good and I’m hungry, so I buy a “fish kebob”, which is really just fish, onions and lettuce on a bread roll, but it’s good. It’s only later that I see men cooking fish on a rocking boat and remember it’s those that Bec talked about in her “must see/do” list for Istanbul.

The crowds are out in droves. It seems night time is when Istanbul really comes alive. At intervals all along my walk back to Taksim there are street buskers, crowds gathered around them. I stop and watch for a while at each one. Don’t know if it’s coincidence or not, but they seem to set up with graffitied walls as their backdrops.

I’ve reached McDonalds and turn up the alley. As usual the restaurant owners try to entice me in. I’m trying to shake them off when someone touches me on the arm from behind. I whirl around, to see Berkay.

“Sorry, sorry,” he says. “I come to the apartment to find you but you were not there.” He came to tell me he’s arranged the tour for me tomorrow and says he’ll pick me up at 9am.

By the time I get back to the apartment I’m exhausted.

Istanbul  Day 3

I’m expecting a pick up for my tour at 9am, so I go downstairs for breakfast around 8, only to find the cafe all closed up. Oh well, I wander down the street to find something else. I really want a coffee, not Turkish coffee, and I’m not sure if the cafes down my alley serve our type of coffee, so when I spot a Starbucks I go in. I order a coffee and chocolate muffin for breakfast and sit down and do some writing. When the coffee doesn’t come to me after 10-15 minutes I look up at the people serving and they are standing around chatting. So I walk back to the counter and they push a coffee towards me. Guess they don’t call you, or bring it to you here.

“Muffin?” I ask.

They quickly put one in a paper bag and push it towards me, then the guy takes back the coffee, tips it out and makes me a new one.

“Cold,” he may have said, or indicated.

I don’t have much time to have it now, and eat the muffin hastily. My phone rings, and it’s Berkay.

“Are you at the apartment?” he asks.

“No, I’m at Starbucks just down the road. Shall I come back?”

“No, I’ll come to you. Which Starbucks are you at?”

“Down on the Main Street, on the opposite side,” I say, unsure if that’s directions enough.

He finds me OK, and I pack up my coffee and walk with him a couple of blocks, where we meet a car. I think it’s the same driver who brought me from the airport. He takes me across town to the Old District, parks the car then walks with me to a large busy square. Suddenly he spots a man, who is holding up his arm and waving, and heads across to him.

The waving man introduces himself. I think his name was Morat, because I thought of Borat (not that I ever watched the movie, only heard about it.) Morat is maybe 40, and has long hair tied into a ponytail. He introduces me to a young German couple, who are also doing the morning tour.

Morat talks first about the Roman Hippodrome, a huge stadium that once stood on this site. I don’t see any ruins of it, but I think he said there is part of the wall remaining. Apparently it was there in Roman times, was used for chariot races and the like, and was larger than any stadium in existence today, in terms of the number of people it held. It was gradually dismantled and the stone used for other buildings. He shows us 3 different victory monuments, one of which is a single piece of pink marble, which was transported from Egypt or something. I can’t remember the figures, but it was a massive weight, and it is still a mystery how they managed to move it.

Morat takes us to the Blue Mosque. He shows us where the men wash and tells us some of the customs. Good muslims pray 5 times every day, and Friday is a special day for prayer. He says that, while most of Turkey is muslim, most of them, like him, don’t put in that much effort. To me, it sounds similar to Christians, or in particular Catholics, The Blue Mosque is closed for prayer until 2pm, so we can’t go in. He will bring me back this afternoon, but the German couple will miss out and can only admire it from the outside.

Next we go to Hagia Sofia, which is only a short walk away. It was originally built as a Greek Orthodox Basilica in the 6th century and was later converted to a mosque, and more recently, to a museum. It’s architecture is Byzantine and it has massive domes.

Because we’ve booked a tour we don’t need to join the long queue for tickets and Morat takes us in almost immediately. Inside is huge and amazing. Some of the paint on the ceilings is looking shabby, and there is a large scaffold set up in one area where restoration work is taking place.

A healthy-looking tabby cat wanders around. This cat has its own website, Morat tells us. Apparently when Barack Obama visited, he patted the cat and it instantly became famous, so someone decided to make a website for it. Morat reaches down to pat the cat, and I do too. It comes eagerly to me and I give it a rub.

“Oh, you know how to touch cats,” Morat says. “Do you have one?”

“No, two.”

We follow Morat as he points out features and answers questions. When the church was converted to a mosque, the pictures were covered over, as Moslems do not allow images in their mosques, only patterned tiles. These have since been uncovered, so it is again recognisable as a Christian cathedral. I’m fascinated by the gallery around the top and Morat tells us we can have some free time and go up there.

This is the best part for me. Instead of steps, there is a wide ramp sloping up to the gallery, through an enchanting tunnel that turns every so often at a landing.

Later, we meet at the cafe and I buy myself a freshly-squeezed pink grapefruit juice. Yum! I hear Morat telling the Germans about how to catch public transport. Seems like you can either use tokens or get a card that you can put money on. You use one token each time you get on or change, but if you use the card it costs less than the cost of a token.

The German couple have only booked the morning tour. I see the guy slip some money into Morat’s hand as he shakes it and Morat thanks him heartily.

Lunch is included as part of the tour, but it is still early, so Morat suggests we go to Topkapi Palace first. It, too is in the area, and now it’s only him and me. I’m afraid I can’t remember a lot of the history he tells me about the palace, only that the sultans had many wives (hundreds), who came from all over the world. Most of them were happy to come because they were looked after and given a good education. If they were not happy, it was up to the sultan to decide whether they could leave or not. They lived entirely with women and a few eunuchs who looked after them. (Sounds like hell to me!)

I go to look in the chamber of justice. The sultan had a window from his living area that looked into the chamber, where he could watch proceedings. If a person was found guilty, they were beheaded, and Morat pointed to the place of execution. I ask how they were beheaded. With a sword, he tells me, then, possibly thinking I have morbid interests, directs me into another room where I can view weapons.

The weapons are pretty scary. I can just imagine people being bludgeoned or hacked by them. I go to take a photo, but as I raise my camera, a guard is immediately at my side telling me not to. Ooops.

There are about 4 more rooms to view different museum pieces. There are jewel-encrusted all sorts of things, and I wander through, every now and then taking a break to sit for a while on the seats thankfully placed in the middle of the rooms. There is a humungous diamond, surrounded by other large diamonds. It is about the size of one of the large crystals that Vince and Carmel put on the end of sun catchers. A couple of pieces that catch my eye: magnificent jewel-covered candlesticks, and a gold, jewel-covered ceremonial cradle. It wasn’t a practical cradle. It was too narrow, and the baby would easily roll out, but it was very pretty.

I also wander through the religious relics section, seeing ancient books, and a piece of Mohammed’s beard.

By now I’ve done enough walking and collapse next to Morat in the courtyard. He tells me that the agency has told him that the Bosphorus Cruise is no longer possible tomorrow, that the Government has banned boats due to the planned protests. So they propose that I do it today as well as the other parts of the tour, and they’ll give it to me for half price. Now this is a problem, because the idea of doing the boat cruise on Saturday was to be away from Taksim Square while the demonstrations were on. So I call Berkay and ask him to speak to the guide. Berkay confirms what Morat said, but says that instead he’ll bring me over to the Sultanamhet district tomorrow to the hostel he works at. So I agree to do the cruise.

There are 2 people who are also staying at my apartment who want to do the Bosphorus Cruise this afternoon, so we need to meet with them. I’ve already told Morat I need to use the loo and I don’t want to do too much more walking, so he says we’ll use the loo at the museum and we’ll catch the tram to meet them. As we walk through an opening in a stone wall, I’m startled to see a guard either side each holding a big machine gun.

We are almost at the tram and I remind him about the loo – he’d forgotten. So he ducks into a restaurant and talks to them, and directs me downstairs. Talking of loos, don’t think I’ve mentioned it before, but the custom here (and in parts of Asia that I’ve visited) is not to put toilet paper in the toilet, but instead to put it into a bin next to the toilet. I find this unpleasant and a very difficult thing to do. I keep forgetting and sometimes am able to retrieve the paper before I flush, if it goes on a ledge and not directly into the water, but sometimes I just have to flush and hope for the best. Too much information? I leave the restaurant feeling conspicuous but more comfortable.

Morat swipes his card and we hop on a tram, go a couple of stops, and get off next to the Galata bridge. Here he buys me and himself a “fish kebab” from the boats cooking them by the side of the dock and we squat on little stools to eat them. This one is not as good as the one I had the other night. It is chock-a-block with little bones that I have to keep picking out of my mouth. In the end I give up and ditch half of it. Morat also buys some honey-soaked “morsels”, a pastry a bit like donut dough. We wolf these down quickly as he gets word that the other people have arrived.

The other people are a couple: Caroline from England and Eamon from Ireland. Caroline is frecklefaced and lively. Eamon has a smoothly shaved head and face, and they are both, I’d be guessing, mid-forties, though Caroline could be older and Eamonn could be younger. They both work in Qatar, for a telco. Oosomethingoo. It’s one that keeps swallowing up other companies and wants to become an international name. Caroline is working on their intranet – sounds pretty much like she’s a technical writer.

Caroline says Qatar is a terrible place to live, but the money’s good. The politics are awful and they are very racist. People who come from a sheik’s family are privileged and saving face is the most important thing for them. Status, apart from belonging to the sheik’s family, is all about having expensive things and people are always showing off. Caroline relishes being in Istanbul, where she can wear a top that reveals her shoulders, which she is unable to do in Qatar. The rules are really strict in Qatar, and if people who are not married are known to be living together, and someone dobs them in, they can be deported. She has been there, I think, around 4 years and does not intend to stay. Eamon has lined up a job in Oman in the Middle East starting in October, which is a lovely place, and she aims to follow him there next year. They’ve been together for 2 years.

They didn’t tell me all this immediately – it’s stuff I found out over the next day or so. What they do tell me is that the trip to Istanbul for the weekend is a surprise present for Eamonn’s birthday, as he has always wanted to go to Istanbul and is obsessed with its history. He didn’t know where he was going until he got to the airport. Caroline also tells me he had a special razor shave this morning, a specialty in Turkey. I say he looks rather smooth, but he says it doesn’t shave as close as his electric shaver.

Morat buys tickets for us for the Bosphorus Cruise, which leaves from the wharf we’re on by the side of the Galata Bridge. It’s 15 minutes before the boat leaves but we board anyway and grab seats on the top deck. Two Japanese girls are sitting near us, taking photos of each other. Morat asks if they speak English and they say a little. He says that if they want to know about anything they see, just ask him, he is a tour guide.

“Free of charge,” he says.

“Oh, free of charge,” they echo, their eyes lighting up.

“Except maybe for a small tip at the end,” Morat adds.

“I’m sorry, I don’t speak English,” one of them says.

When the boat leaves it ducks under the bridge. It looks to me like it’s going to hit, and I brace myself, but it slides just under.

“Is this tidal?” Caroline asks Morat. “We just barely fit under the bridge.”

“No,” he shakes his head. “And it’s about this much,” he shows with his hands about a metre apart.

We motor past palaces, palatial homes, lovely homes, mosques, stacks of units and out-of-place hotels, one of which looks like it has a barn stuck on top of a square highrise building.

The weather changes. A cool breeze whips up and suddenly the stifling heat has turned to cold. Luckily I have that green cotton top with me, which I’d brought along in case I wanted to go into a mosque. Caroline doesn’t have anything else so she cuddles up to Eamonn and I see him running his hands over her and squeezing her bum.

I decide to go to the loo on the boat while there’s one handy, though I’m not desperate. First I go to the counter downstairs and buy a bottle of water. I head towards the back of the boat where Morat had indicated the toilets were, and there is Morat, so I ask him. There’s only one working, he says. The symbol on the ladies toilet is scribbled out and so I wait for the men’s. When a man emerges, I start to walk in but a strong stench of urine hits me. The floor is very wet, and it’s one of those toilets without a basin, just 2 spots marked with feet and a hole in between. I baulk and back out.

The next sight on the tour is the spice market, where I went the day before. But I’m happy to browse again and we agree to meet in half an hour. I discover a section selling seed and live birds. Amongst the tittering I recognise the cheerful chirp of a peach-faced lovebird and find a cage of them amongst all the cages of budgies.

Walking through other parts of the market people are continually calling to me in English, trying to get my attention. I get fed up with this and go outside. A storm has arrived and it’s raining, so I shelter under a tree until it’s time to meet again.

Morat calls a car to take us to a (supposed) carpet manufacturer. In the car, I find that Caroline and Eamonn are planning on going to a Turkish Bath this afternoon, so they will stay in the area and not come back to the apartment at the same time as me. I’ve read about Turkish Baths and I think they are brave to be going, getting totally naked and scrubbed vigorously all over by a stranger. Caroline has been to one before – she travelled the world a lot when she was younger, often on her own.

Arriving at the carpet shop we are offered Turkish tea, which I enjoy. We sit while we are shown carpets and told the difference between handmade and machine made. Handmade show a different shade depending on the angle you view them. They last much longer, but they can take up to 18 months to make. Each carpet has to be completed by the same girl, so that the tension doesn’t vary and put the carpet out of shape. We manage to escape without too much of a hard sell, each of us careful not to encourage them by asking the price.

When we get out, Eamonn asks Morat what the carpets typically cost. A goodsize handmade one (wool, not silk) can cost US$4000.

The next place Morat takes us is the agency shop, where, just because we’ve walked in the door, everything is magically half price. But half-price is still expensive and Caroline walks out in disgust. Later Eamonn tells me she went back in and negotiated on Turkish Delight and got a much better price.

“So you’re finished now,” Morat says to me outside the shop. He calls me a car, I do the sneaky handshake that I saw the German guy do, with a tip slipped in, and the car takes me back to my apartment.

I’m buggered, but I’m still drawn out to the busy street. I browse looking for somewhere to eat and come to a shop that has yummy food displayed that you select cafetaria-style. I choose some meat, beans and tomato, a rice-stuffed tomato and something else. I enjoy it all.

There was a sweets shop that I’d passed, so I go to that next and select a decadent cake, which they package up for me in a plastic container and their own branded paper carry bag. All right, so it is a bit expensive. I take it back to my apartment and let it sit for a while while my other food goes down.

Berkay calls by and asks me about my day. I can’t tell him much, I’m still overwhelmed. He says he’ll pick me up at 9am tomorrow and take me to the Sultanamhet district. There are other people from upstairs that he’ll be taking as well.

I finish the day by eating the decadent cake and go to bed totally stuffed.

Istanbul Day 4

I’m up early enough to go out for breakfast and I look again to see if the cafes in my alley sell cappuccino. As a young waiter approaches me I ask him, and yes! they do. So I sit and order a cappuccino and ask about muesli. No. So I ask about pancakes. No. The waiter suggests ham and cheese on toast so I decide that will do.

I have my iPad with me and sit and type away. At a table diagonal to mine, just one behind, there are some young men clowning and laughing. I ignore them, but then they move a table down, sitting right next to me.

“Excuse me, do you have internet?” they ask.

“No,” I tell them, and turn back to my typing. I notice they are speaking in English, but they have a heavy accent. They are saying something loudly in English, which I don’t catch, then they turn to me and say “It’s true. ”

I wonder why they’re speaking English and end up talking to them. Two of them are Portuguese, doing contracts around the world with Vodaphone. The other is a local, also working for Vodaphone. They say working in Istanbul is good compared to other places they’ve been, like East Timor. They ask where I’ve been and they tell me I missed the best country – Portugal. By the time I have to leave to meet Berkay, they’ve given me the address and website of the hotel their mother works at in Portugal, which I say I’ll visit next time I’m in Europe.

Although I’m back at 10 to 9, Berkay is already there. There are 3 other couples he’s shipping over to the other side of town, and one of them is Caroline and Eamonn. Berkay orders 2 taxis (in Turkish they are taksis) and I catch the one with Caroline & Eamonn.

We pull up next to a hostel/hotel, which has colourful lounges on the footpath under an awning, and music pumping out. Breakfast is being served on the top floor and there’s a rooftop cafe. Caroline invites me to join them there for breakfast. Narrow, metal steps wind up to the 5th floor roof top.From the cafe there are water views out across the houses to the Bosphorus in one direction and the domes of Hagia Sofia in the other.

After a leisurely breakfast we are given directions to the square where the main attractions of the old town are ( the ones I saw yesterday) and I trail Caroline & Eamonn up the hill, then go to find the Grand Bazaar. When I ask directions I’m told to take the tram 2 stops.

I watch a woman put coins into the turnstiles, but they keep dropping back out the bottom. Another woman, already on the tram platform, sees her and explains that she needs to use tokens, not coins. The tokens can be bought from machines across the road, and cost 3 TL each. After eavesdropping, I now go over and purchase the magic tokens. They are little red plastic ones, like play money.

The tram comes a couple of minutes later and I hop on. At the first stop I ask an older man if this is the stop to get off for the Grand Bazaar.

“There are 2 you can use,” he says, “but this is the best one. I’ll show you.”

I follow him down the street. He takes me all the way to the entrance. “This was the first commercial building like this in the world,” he says proudly, as he leaves me.

Now the Grand Bazaar is huge. There are thousands of shops in it. I look at some jewellery, hoping to get some silver and turquoise earrings. But the prices are like $80AU so I decide against it. I have plenty of beautiful earrings. But when I say no, the shopkeepers keep lowering the price and insisting. Every time I pause to look at something, the shopkeepers try to drag me into their shops.

I’m careful to keep track of where I’ve walked. I don’t want to get lost in here. I do a couple of aisles then decide I’ve had enough. On the way out a boy selling perfumes walks alongside me, hounding me, despite me saying several times I don’t want any.

I’m already tired and hot and indulge in another one of those hand squeezed ruby grapefruit juices.

I decide to check if I can see inside the blue mosque today and go back on the tram to the main tourist area. On my way in, a handsome man asks me where I come from and offers to help me.

“No, I’m fine, I don’t need any help,” I tell him.

“Free of charge,” he insists.

“No, thank you, I’m fine,” I tell him.

I sit in the courtyard for a while and watch people going in and out. The same man comes to me.

“You need to go in quick,” he says. “Mosque closes soon for prayers then you won’t be able to go in for 2 hours.”

As I start to rise he tries to help me up, but I pull away with bad grace, and he looks offended. “I don’t need any help, ” I tell him.

“Would you like to look at carpets when you are finished?” he asks me.

“No!” I tell him, and now he is really offended.

At the entrance to the mosque I am redirected around to the side.

“Tourists to the left,” they say, as if it is a dirty word.

I join the queue at the side, take off my shoes, put on my scarf and slip through the narrow archway.

“Hurry, hurry, mosque closing soon,” someone keeps repeating.

Like the other mosque, inside there is a cordoned off area where there are worshippers praying, and children running wild. I look around with wonder at the beautiful patterned domed ceilings, until we are hustled out again.

“Time for prayers, please leave.”

As I leave the courtyard another man walks beside me. “Are you Australian?” he asks. “Would you like to see some carpets.”

“No thank you,” I say. I really don’t want to be rude. I was mortified in Rome when some of my fellow travellers on the bus were rude to the hawkers, telling them to “Get lost!” or “Rack off!” I figure at least they are trying to make a living, not just begging.

Still the man follows me. “Can I give you my business card?”

“No! ”

My legs are tired again and I decide to head back to the hostel. Easier said than done. I have a map, a GPS, I know it’s downhill towards the water, and I know we followed the ancient wall up. Still, I’m having trouble orienting myself, and head first in one direction then the other, to see if my gps says I’m getting closer. Either way I seem to get further away, and I wonder if my gps is responding correctly.

I ask someone and they give me directions, but it just doesn’t feel right. There are some workers planting annuals in the gardens lining the street, and when I show them the map they have difficulty understanding it and identifying where we are.

A man sees me studying a map and offers to help. He asks me where I’m from, tells me he lived in Australia for 7 years at Lane Cove. Do I know Linley Point? He used to run a pub at the Rocks, but his father doesn’t like him selling alcohol. He has an Australian wife, they are just here visiting family, still living in Australia. I’ve got it all wrong where I am. I need to head in a different direction, and he’s going that way, he’ll show me. He takes me back uphill. Just then his phone rings.

“It’s my wife,” he says, then talks into the phone. “Hullo, I’m just bringing an Australian lady up to meet you.”

I can hear the voice on the phone and it’s speaking English.

“You must come in and have a tea with us,” he says.

He goes to turn into a jewellery shop, but I pull away. “Come and meet my wife,” he says, and indeed, there is a blonde woman standing in the shop, who sees me and starts to come out from behind the counter.

“Come in and have tea with us,” she calls with an English accent. “Oh come on! Did he tell you what I do? I design jewellery.”

“Just tell me how to get to the hostel”, I say.

“But why?” he asks. “Come in and have tea with us.”

“I’m really tired,” I say, and it’s the truth. I also don’t want to be harangued to buy jewellery.

“You take the next right and follow that,” he says, and I hot foot it away.

I’m sure you don’t turn right, and instead follow an alley in what feels like the right direction. I find a group with a tour guide and ask the guide. “I don’t know that hostel, but follow this wall down and that’ll put you in the vicinity,” he says.

Finally the hostel is in sight. I stumble in and collapse onto a lounge.

I order a coke and a salad and tap away at my iPad. On one side of me a young fellow drinks beer after beer and sucks on a hookah. On the other side an older man and a younger African man sit and smoke. The younger African tries to make conversation, but I don’t encourage him.

I hear a “hello again,” and Carolyn and Eamonn flop onto the lounges beside me.

I’m pleased to see them and tell them how I was fooled by the jewellery seller. They are exhausted too, and ran out of time again to have their Turkish Bath. They need to leave for the airport in 45 mins so I have their company until then.

When they leave, the African guy tries to talk to me again. I get the feeling he is trying to crack onto me and feel uncomfortable. I can’t really understand what he is saying except that he says the Hagia Sofia is crap and makes finger-down-the-throat motions. I tell him I think it’s great. Finally, I’m blunt and say “Sorry, I just want to write.”

He finally gets the message and stops talking to me. A little later, he and his mate get up and leave and I breathe a sigh of relief.

After a while I try to make conversation with a French guy who’s sitting on his own. He’s on holidays for a week, does something to do with music, and is on his own because friends couldn’t get time off work at the same time as him.

At a cafe across the road, a man does a trick, stacking 3 full beer glasses, with coasters in between, on top of his head and wiggling his body around. We cheer him on. Then the French guy goes off walking too. I notice the African guy is back again, but this time I avoid eye contact and it seems he is doing the same, thank God.

I go looking for Berkay to ask for news and am told he’s asleep. I feel like I need to move around. I’ve been sitting there for ages. Carolyn had said there was a nice restaurant up the road, so I go for a walk. The problem is, there’re lots of nice restaurants up the road, and lots of nice men trying to entice me into them. I’m not game to stop and look at their menu boards, so I return to the hostel and order dinner and a bourbon and coke there. The dinner, kofta, turned out to be really tasty and was served with rice and salad.

My dinner is finished and I’m chilling, when a group of about 8 burly guys pause at the front. They are welcomed in. The only space where there are enough seats is all around me. A couple of guys sit down but the others hesitate. The guy next to me, a pom, starts talking to me. They are all from the military and are going on an ANZAC memorial tour. The other guys come and sit down, one of them saying ” we ‘re not trying to hem you in”, but that’s exactly what they’ve done. I chat a bit longer with the pommy guy then say “I’ll leave you to your boys night,” and weave my way out.

I go inside where I can sit on a lounge next to the power point and charge my iPad. It’s getting late by now and I’m tired. I can’t get any news off google – I suspect it’s being blocked by the government. I’m talking to Jas via SMS, as she’s doing a shift at the ABC. At first there’s no news then she sends me a cryptic message: eartay asgay. I puzzle over it for a while then the penny drops: tear gas, in pig latin. I’d told her to be careful with the words she used in case the government scanners picked it up.

Later, I see Berkay again and he calls the cab company to see if they’re getting through. They aren’t, so I decide to stay at the hostel for the night. I tell Berkay I’m happy to pay for a room. By now it’s about 10:30 and I’m dropping dead on my feet. My hips and legs are killing me. My muscles have frozen up with all the walking and my left hip aches like hell. I’m given a key and stumble my way to the next building and up 2 floors. My simple room with a bed and a lovely ensuite looks like heaven. I shower, put my dirty undies and t-shirt back on and fall into bed. I toss and turn all night.

Istanbul Day 5

I wake around 5 am, hearing the call to prayer ringing out. My legs are aching, so I get up and do my stretches, which I should have done the night before. That feels a bit better and I go back to bed and doze for a couple of hours. I start to hear movement around the hostel, so I get up and do my stretches all over again.

I check the news and now I can see one from the SMH. It says protesters tried to storm the square, but police stopped them. They say no one was killed and just a couple injured. Another site shows photos of injured protesters lying on the ground in awkward poses, and one of police officers holding up a woman affected by tear gas.

I get dressed and comb my hair – good thing I brought a comb with me. It’s raining outside. Down at reception, the chairs are still all packed up. I ask about breakfast and the same guy who was on reception until late last night is there. He directs me up to the rooftop cafe. Of course.

It’s a typical simple buffet breakfast. I help myself to a bowl of muesli and yoghurt and a coffee, clumsily dropping a big dollop of yoghurt onto my shoe and the floor. I ask the girl working there for some tissues and she hands me some but tells me she’ll clean it up. “No,” I tell her. “I made the mess, I’ll clean it up.”

There are people from all over the world there having breakfast together, mostly young, but some older people too. I don’t feel out of place.

Back down at reception I ask if Berkay is around. “He will be here soon,” the guy tells me. I settle down into a lounge, looking out at the rain wondering what “soon” translates to in Turkish. A man goes up and down the street selling umbrellas – he offers them to me 3 times. But in about 10 minutes Berkay appears, neatly groomed and professional as always.

“What happened last night at Taksim?” I ask him.

“Nothing,” he says. “I talked to the guy in the apartment on the 5th floor and everything was OK. There was not violence. The people try to get to the square but the police stop them.”

“Last night I couldn’t get any news about it on the internet,” I say. “Is that because the government blocked it?”

“I don’t know. Probably,” he replies. “Are you ready to go?”

He calls a cab and we set off in the rain.

“It’s unusual to be raining,” Berkay says. “This would be better if it was raining last night – stop the protesters.”

“What’s your opinion on it?” I ask him.

“We don’t have a good Prime Minister,” he says. “Last year I supported the protesters. But now it is too political. They take it too far and I don’t support it anymore.”

(Actually, Caroline had told me that Berkay said one of his customers insisted on going back to the apartment during the riots last year, so Berkay went with him. The guy was a New Zealander and off his face drunk. He started doing the Haka on the street and police fired tear gas at him and Berkay. So Berkay was determined to stay away this time – he’d had enough of tear gas.)

“But didn’t the Prime Minister get voted back in?” I ask. “If he’s bad, why do people vote him in?”

“Actually the country is 50/50 divided. Many people love him because he goes out into the country and buys votes by giving them things. So half the people want to keep him, half don’t.”

I ask about his work. He owns the apartments where I’m staying at Taksim, and works at the hostel. He also has another business importing cocoa, for which he travels sometimes. I’m guessing he’s about Bec’s age, and he’s a good looking guy.

“Do you have a family? Are you married?” I’m curious.

“No, no wife. Not enough time, concentrating on the business.”

He’d be such a good catch. He has a lovely gentle way about him, and his business arrangements seem to work like clockwork.

Back at the apartment, he goes upstairs to see the other people. He tells me he has called the cleaner, and she will be here soon, as he has someone else going into the apartment. Oh, damn, guess that means I need to get out soon. It’s close to 10 am. He also tells me they’ll pick me up at 1pm. We shake hands and I thank him for looking after me so well.

I hastily pack up my stuff, then look at myself in the mirror and decide I need another shower and my hair needs a wash. So I risk it and duck in. The cleaner is still not there when I get out. I empty my loose change into the tips jar and put my bags near the door. Then I go out looking for a coffee.

At the same cafe as yesterday, the young waiter greets me with a smile and I sit down and order a cappuccino and type away on my iPad again. I feel a bit peckish and ask the older man, probably the waiter’s father, if they have baklava.

He shakes his head. Then says “Baklava? Baklava?”

I repeat it after him and now he nods.

I’m amused to see him dispense his son off down the street with money in his hand. Sure enough, he appears 5 minutes later with a package, and soon 4 pieces of baklava are brought out on a plate. I hope I have enough Turkish Lira left to pay the bill.

Yep, I have just 5 to spare after I’ve paid (which is worth about $2:50.)

A car is pulled up outside the apartment and the driver is just about to make a call.

“Airport?” he asks me.

I rush upstairs for a pee and grab my luggage. Now the cleaning lady appears. I’m having trouble managing my suitcase and the cleaning lady bends down and lifts the other end and we take it slowly down the stairs and I pass it to the driver. Berkay suddenly appears from upstairs and we say goodbye and thanks again and I get into the car and head for the airport. The queues at the airport are interminable – to check in and to go through passport control, but I’ve allowed plenty of time.

I’m still feeing exhausted from the day before and feeling uncharacteristically homesick. I just want to get back with my family and with Col and where everything is familiar again. It’s been the most incredible experience, one I wouldn’t have missed for anything, but I do love my home and my work and my family and friends.

I will definitely want to go again, but next time I think I’d travel with someone. It’s too hard on your own, especially being female and not as agile as I used to be. But boy! what an experience!

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Return to London

Return to London

There are a few people leaving the tour in Amsterdam, not returning with us to London. Steve is one of them and we say our goodbyes the night before, and I don’t see him in the morning. Oh well, I see he has at least accepted my Facebook friend request and we can keep in touch.

The weather today matches my mood. It had rained during the night and it’s cloudy, gloomy and drizzly. Halfway through the morning we stop for a toilet break, but I’ve barely left the bus when everyone starts heading back as the toilets at the servo aren’t functioning. We pull up again a little further down the road and have a coffee & pee. I’m not really watching the time, and we’re the last back to the bus, Ashley making “run! run!” signs at us as we approach. He’s worried we’ll miss our ferry across the channel.

But we make it. There are no other buses in front of us when we arrive and we all file into the British immigration office, with our passports and our completed arrival forms, to have them stamped. We drive onto the ferry, leave the bus and climb the stairs to the upper deck.

There are schoolchildren out the back on the open deck where I go to take photos, and schoolchildren in one of the lounges.

I buy a sandwich and find a quiet spot away from the noise and anyone else on our tour, stretching my legs out across a window ledge and working on my journal. Some teenagers come to sit by me for a while and I make room for them – they aren’t very noisy – and they go away after a while.

Merv sees me and asks me to come join them, but I tell him I need a break from the group. Later he comes and sits with me, holding a handful of cash. I’ve often sat with Merv and Ros but hadn’t asked about Merv’s work before. He’s retired now, but used to be a lawyer for an insurance company – Alliance, if I remember correctly, or, at least it was one of the big, well-known ones. With my usual (lack of) tact, I let him know I’m not too fond of insurance companies.

“Oh, don’t worry, I didn’t like it either. I wanted to get out of it, even resigned several times. But they’d talk me back into staying, and the years went by, and I ended up staying. Now I’m retired, it’s wonderful.”

Ros wanders past, her usual grin on her face.

“Where are you going?” Merv asks.

“I’m just going to have a look in the gift shop,” she says.

“Ohhhh! Blimey!” Merv expostulates.

“Just looking,” she sings as she keeps going.

Merv looks at the wad of cash he’s holding.

“Oh, you’ve got the money,” I say.

“No, she has a card,” he says as he tucks the cash into his pocket.

That reminds me and I go to get some British Pounds myself, but my card is declined. Maybe I didn’t push the card in right, or maybe it’s because my folders in my bank account are in the wrong order – to pick Euros first – but I decide not to try again, since they said it would cost me 3 pounds to get 50 pounds out and I was having second thoughts about doing it anyway. Here’s hoping I don’t have any trouble when I get to London.

Back on the bus and travelling in the dreary weather towards London, even Nada is quiet for a while. I’ll need to get off at the first stop, then catch a cab to my hotel. Flight Centre told me that the hotel I booked was the one used by Trafalgar, but that was incorrect, so the bus won’t drop me there. Nada and Mayra are also going to Russell Square, but to a different hotel, so we organise to share a cab.

We pass through Blackwall tunnel, built way back in 1898. It’s very narrow – just 2 lanes and not much space at the side of the bus – and a bit creepy. There’s a strong smell of fumes and I wonder how well it’s ventilated. I’m glad when we emerge.

Closer to London, the buildings get more interesting and Nada jumps up and starts taking photos. She’s hyperactive for sure. I wonder how her mother managed her, but it sounds like her mother was hyperactive too.

We pass an amazing building that looks like it’s built from stainless steel, like a number of tanks welded together offset and stacked on top of each other. Unfortunately my camera is in my bag and I don’t have enough time to get it out. I start to take more interest myself, waking up a bit, and thinking about the few days of holiday still ahead of me.

I hate goodbyes too, and decide I’m just going to wave rather than run round and kiss everyone. I’m surprised that most of the people are getting off at the same stop. I hug Aurora and a couple of others, and Hollywood (Graham) makes a point of coming to say goodbye and give me a kiss, and I jump off. It’s a bit of a rush and a scuffle to get our suitcases from the luggage compartment. I manage to say goodbye to Mossimo and touch his hand, and give Ashley a hug. I kiss Jenny and Deb goodbye – they hadn’t realised I wasn’t staying at the same hotel – and before I know it I’m left standing on the footpath alone with Nada and Mayra. The bus has gone and everyone else has crossed the road to go to their hotel.

At least I get to ride in an iconic London cab. We don’t need to wait long before one comes by. There are seats along the back and open space for suitcases, as well as extra jumpseats that are folded up. We haul our suitcases in as Mayra notices there’s a sign saying they don’t take credit cards.

“Let’s get in first and then worry about it,” Nada says, sensibly.

“I have a little bit,” I say. “It just depends how much it is.”

“Do you take euros?” Mayra asks.

“No,” answers the cabby, who sits behind a screen, talking to us via an intercom.

“That’s unusual, not taking credit card,” Nada says.

“Only about 3 cabs in London accept credit card,” the driver says.

“I have 10 pound,” I say. “How much is it likely to cost?”

“You’ll be lucky if it’s even 10 pound,” he replies.

Nada digs out euros to give to me as their share. Their stop is before mine. After they leave, the cabbie starts to talk to me.

“Are they friends of yours?” he asks.

I explain the situation, and we chat about his trips to Europe.

The hotel looks quite grand at first, but it is tired and slightly shabby grandeur. The French girl who checks me in is lovely, offering me the option of a quiet room at the back of the hotel, or a front room with a better view. I opt for the quiet room and take the lift to the 8th floor. The carpet is water stained and faded. My room is typical of the small hotels we’ve been staying at – small, a single bed, but clean and comfortable.

I sit down and make a list of what I need to do this evening to be ready for tomorrow. I check how to get to Luton by public transport but it looks like rather a lot of changes. I have a brainwave – maybe they have an airport shuttle.

On my way out to look around I ask at the porter’s desk. Yes, there’s an airport shuttle. But no, not to Luton. A cab will cost me a good 40 pound. I could walk to St Pancras station if I didn’t have too much luggage. Or I could get the bus to St Pancras. He gives me directions for walking, and I listen carefully to the first part of them and set out in the drizzle, dodging puddles and wishing I still had the umbrella that I carried around for half of the trip and which then went missing. It’s that time of day when people are finishing work and rushing home. I’m out of place, conspicuous with my meandering walk, stopping to consult my phone or take photos.

Of course I don’t find my way as directed. I stop, set my gps and try again. I come to an impressive elaborate building that is St Pancras Hotel. On the map I can see a Kings Cross St Pancras Station and a London St Pancras station. I check out the Kings Cross St Pancras station and head back towards the hotel where I’m staying.

I pass a shop called King of Felafel and go in there to buy a wrap. When I’m in sight of the hotel I cross the road to see Russell Square, a lovely park with huge trees, luscious lawns, and a small fountain in the middle.

I’ve had enough sightseeing and hunker back in my room. My felafel wrap surprises me with how good it is. The bread has a freshly-toasted crispness and the filling is felafel with hommous and roasted vegetables, way better than the typical wrap we get is Aus.

I go carefully through my luggage, clearing out any brochures and paperwork I no longer need and consolidating souvenirs into my suitcase, before I set my alarm and go to bed.

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Amsterdam Day 2

25 May

Our first stop today is a cheese and clog-making factory in the countryside. We get a rundown of how the cheeses are made, then shuffle through to the clog-making area. A young man carves away at a chunk of wood as he talks, bit by bit fashioning it into a wooden clog. He tells us they are working shoes, for keeping your feet warm, dry and protected. I guess they are the Dutch version of steel-caps. What I find hard to believe is that they are comfortable and when I ask, he quotes figures for how long they’ve been used and how many people still wear them. He lifts his foot to show he’s wearing them, too. He does concede though, that it takes about a week to wear them in.

Of course, next we walk through their shop. He’s impressed me sufficiently to try on a pair of the modern version, with a wooden sole and leather upper. They look nice, feel comfortable, and seem to grip well, so that they don’t slap like thongs. Yes, I can’t believe it, I actually buy some clogs for myself.

Out in the farmyard, there are 3 ginormous rabbits in a hatch. There are a few chooks pecking around and a big rooster, who crows for us.

“That’s a good size cock,” I say to Ros, who tells me I’m disgusting.

Steve, typical male, is fascinated by a tipping trailer he notices in the yard. It is lifted by a hydraulic ram in the centre and can be tipped in any of 4 directions, depending on which ball joint you latch up. Clever.

We go to a little fishing village next, which Ashley says serves great seafood from the stalls along the waterfront. It’s a lovely seaside town, only it’s not really the seaside, it’s a lagoon, kept below sea level by walls further out, and the weather is glorious yet again.

One thing Ashley said about the Dutch is that they are passionate about neatness, and having things “nice”, leaving their curtains open so you can see how lovely their houses look inside. The fishing village was a good example. The houses were pretty and gardens neat. A big dog lounged on a seat outside one cottage, like a holidayer at the seaside. When we called to him, he flopped off his chair and came over to the fence, but gave a warning bark when someone tried to pat him.

Steve doesn’t eat seafood, so we stopped at a cafe and just had a coffee. We had a wander and a quick look at souvenirs, stopping at a statue of an old lady to take a photo of Steve throwing a leg over.

The next stop was a diamond factory.

“Do you want to duck off when they go to the diamond factory?” Steve asks me.

“You bet,” I say. Diamonds don’t impress me. I love things sparkly, but a good crystal sparkles just as well, so why pay thousands for something that is indistinguishable from a crystal?

We wander around the local area, sussing out the shops. There are shops openly selling marijuana seeds and all manner of paraphernalia for enjoying the evil weed. We go back to the diamond factory and reboard the bus. It drops us in front of the station, our meeting place for later.

Some of the people are keen to have some dope. While in Amsterdam, they want to do what the Amsterdamians do. I’ll be a bit vague with names, to protect the non-innocent. I’m not interested in having any. I know I don’t like dope, but I go along for the fun of it, and figure I can look after them if they need looking after. A group of us head for the Sailor’s Quarter and some go into a sex shop and emerge with brown paper bags.

We pass some of the special coffee shops, but Steve reckons they are seedy and not a good place for all of us ladies to go into. Steve has become the protector of the ladies. He’s usually the only guy, surrounded by the single ladies, and, young and old, they all love him. Somebody says someone told them the coffee shop Betty Boop is awesome, so I look it up on google maps and we attempt to walk towards it. Trouble is, I’m not very good at orienting myself, so I’m not certain whether we’re getting closer or further away.

After a bit of wandering, we see Ashley again, and ask him to point us in the right direction. A couple of streets later, Deb is fed up with walking. We decide that any coffee shop will do and head into one.

Steve was right about them being seedy. Inside is dark and smoky and a handful of people sit around the edges of the room, smoking and vegging out. I’m feeling suffocated by the thick smoke, and when we’re directed upstairs I’m relieved that it’s not so thick up there. Linda decides she can’t manage the stairs and says she’ll wait outside. In any case, we’re stopped at the top, and told we can’t go further unless we buy. And they don’t serve food or coffee.

By now I’m starving. We ask about cookies, but the guy says (with a sneer in his voice) that the places that sell cookies don’t open until later because it’s too close to the school. He relents and tells us that the biggest coffee shop in the area is just up the road and they may have them. So Steve dashes off to check it out, a couple of people stay upstairs and have a smoke, while the rest of us browse the nearby shops.

When we’re all together again, we find a normal coffee shop (called a cafe to distinguish it) that actually sells coffee and food, and I finally get to eat – yummy (normal) waffles  – while certain other people nibble on the special muffins that Steve has brought back. The ones who had the smoke are clearly affected, quiet, red-eyed and gone within themselves.

By now the weather has turned to rain. It is sprinkling when we leave the cafe, but when we reach the meeting point it begins to pour. Luckily there is a temporary shelter set up on the wharf that is a few steps down from the footpath so we all huddle down there until the bus arrives.

There’s time for another rest, or snooze, back at the hotel before we go out for the “last supper”, our last meal together. As we pull up in the pouring rain next to a restaurant, we dodge traffic as we step from the bus, then wait on a crowded pavement as around 50 people pour from the restaurant. They from are another Trafalgar tour and tell us the food is excellent.

We file up a narrow set of stairs, someone wondering aloud how we’re going to get back down them when we’re drunk. The we go up an even steeper, narrower set of stairs into a dingy room decorated with old tiles carefully stuck, misaligned, over the walls.

We are given a shot of liqueur to start with and we wait impatiently to down it all together. When no one gives the cue, I decide to give it, and the people at our table toss it down. A couple of minutes later, Ashley proposes a toast, so we drink the toast using wine, which has now found its way into our glasses.

My first course is ham and melon (watermelon the waiters call it, but it’s honeydew melon.) I’m not a huge fan of ham but the others love it. For main course I have grilled salmon with lobster sauce, and it’s delicious. Dessert is crepes and ice cream, also delicious. We’ve barely been served dessert (some are still waiting for it) when Ashley begins hurrying us up – some problem about the bus having to go pick up another group after us, so we need to be out by 10. We grumble a bit about not being able to get written off on our last night together, but cooperate and go carefully down the 2 flights of stairs.

Back at the hotel, Steve says he doesn’t like goodbyes and he’s just going to duck off. He’s leaving the tour in Amsterdam, not returning to London as he’s going to hire a car and visit a friend in Germany. We all disperse to our rooms.

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Rhine Cruise & Amsterdam Cruise

24 May

After leaving Hockenheim, we soon join the Rhine River and drive alongside it. It is pretty country, with grapevines growing on steepsided hills sloping to the wide, fast-flowing river. We stop in a little town and board a large ferry boat, sitting out on the back deck. When the boat turns 180 degrees, Steve and I move to the front deck, so that we can take photos without the glare of the sun.

We pass a statue of the Lorelie, the legendary maiden who lured boats to their demise on the rocks by her beautiful singing. “What a bitch!” Steve mutters, but for some reason I find the story enchanting.

It is peaceful cruising through beautiful scenery, a castle appearing every so often high on a hill. But it seems everyone is in a photo frenzy. As always, Mayra and Nada are continually taking photos of each other, and Aurora is on a mission to have photos of herself in model poses with everyone on the trip. I click off a few photos, too, catching Steve kissing Mayra on her hair as he snuggles up with her against the gorgeous scenery backdrop.

The cruise is almost finished when Steve says we should get a group shot of everyone on the tour, with the shot taken from the top deck looking down. He’s right, it would make a great photo, but by now we’re getting close to our destination, and I certainly don’t have the inclination to round everyone up, so his suggestion goes unheeded.

The bus picks us up further along the river. It’s a long drive to Amsterdam, and we sit back and doze as the bus leaves the hilly country and continues onto the flat plains of the Netherlands.

We have yet another language to learn – Dutch. The first word is easy: Hello. I make an unsuccessful attempt to learn the word for “Thank you”, but since we’re told the Dutch just about all speak English, I give up. All over the bus I hear people clearing their throats as they try to imitate the gutteral sounds. I’m just thankful they don’t spit out what they dredge up.

We drive past canals and stop next to a token windmill. There are not too many around these days. The spinning bit is not in the ideal position for a photo, turned at an angle, so we troop down the road 50 metres so we can position the windmill as the backdrop. Ashley takes a group photo with us straggled along the road. There are red tulips (or are they poppies?) growing wild in the grass beside us.

We arrive at our hotel, on the outskirts of Amsterdam, near the airport. It’s a huge hotel, with several wings radiating from a central lobby. We have  about an hour to relax before going into town for the optional excursion. On the way out to the bus, I see little baby rabbits hopping around the garden.

I’m feeling a little disinterested as we drive into the centre of Amsterdam. It’s yet another glorious day, a Sunday, and people are out in droves, huge masses of them teeming down the streets. But what is really amazing is the number of bicycles. They are everywhere, parked against every rail, wall, canal, building, and flying along cycleways, cutting across footpaths, going crazy.

Our local guide, Leneike, tells us we have to be careful of them. She points out that people don’t have beautiful new bicycles, they have old ones. That way, if they get stolen, they can just steal another one. There is even a 3 level parking station for bicycles, with them crammed in tight against each other.

We board a long open-topped boat for a canal cruise. The canals are lined with 4 or 5 storey buildings, all jammed next to each other. Because Amsterdam is below sea level, the land is not very firm and houses are built on piles driven into mud. Even so, they sink, and we see several buildings higgledy-piggledy leaning against or away from each other. Even more delightful, lining the insides of the canals are houseboats, many and varied, some charming and neat, decorated with flower pots, others charmingly neglected, and old tyres on the waterline filled with sticks and rubbish where waterbirds build their nests. But the thing that really lifts me out of my torpor is the party atmosphere. The boat up ahead is having a party, and they burst into song each time we pass under a bridge, the sound magnified by the echo. On the smaller boats that we pass, people are sipping wine, drinking beer, eating cheeses and having feasts. Hanging over the rails, and sitting on the edges of the canal are more people enjoying the sunshine and many of them wave and cheer. A young guy wearing a funny beanie and lounging in a tinny makes peace signs at us and we make peace signs back. I’m sitting there waving and wishing I was slogging a glass of wine myself.

When we get off the boat, Leneike takes us for a walk through the “Sailor’s Quarters”, the red light district. As you may be aware, prostitution and marijuana are legal here, and they make quite a tourist attraction out of both of these. We pass “coffee shops” that sell dope to smoke and marijuana cookies, the unmistakeable smell emanating from the doorways.

We also pass windows where prostitutes in bikinis strike sexy poses. Leneike tells us that the Dutch have very liberal attitudes. They believe it is a needed profession and that by making it legal and open, they can protect the girls better and prevent rape. The girls are behind a locked door and can choose whether or not to open it for a customer. They also have regular health checks. Their time is sold in 15 minute increments – 50 Euros for 15 minutes. We’re told that the average time that they are with a customer is 6 minutes!

We walk past a church and Leneike shows us a sculpture of an old woman who used to look after the girls. She also shows us a metal sculpture of boobies, with a hand holding one, set into the pavement in front of a church.

The biggest hazard when walking through the area is bicycles. I’m still not used to them coming from the left, and they fly across intersections, regardless of who’s in the way. Aurora nearly gets totalled by one when we’re crossing the road to get back on the bus. The thing I love about Aurora is she doesn’t whinge like some of them. When someone was about to commiserate with her about the crazy riders, she says: “No, it was my fault – I didn’t look.”

Back at the hotel, we have another hour’s break before the included dinner, which is a buffet. I’m a bit confused about where to go for dinner – it’s on the 4th floor – but I see Rafael, and we find a lift and hit button 4. When the door opens, we find we’re in the kitchen, so we go back down again. I ask someone and they direct me to another lift. I look for Rafael to tell him but he has disappeared.

There’s a queue at the buffet, so I wait patiently with Jenny. The food is running out and the waiter directs us to the other side, but it is nearly empty too, and we see he’s started to fill up the side we were originally on. Anyway, I don’t want a big dinner.

I take my tray to sit with Steve, Nada, Mayra, Ros & Merv. I buy myself a glass of wine and buy Steve a beer. They’ve finished eating, but sit and talk. Wish I could remember the conversation. It started off somehow with Merv saying to Ros “Come on fatty, it’s time to go,” and me saying “that’s not a nice thing to say to her” and Ros saying “I don’t want to go, I want to stay and have fun,” and then several other people chipped in until we were all laughing our heads off, tears running from our eyes. This continued, one after another, until we were the last people left in the restaurant, still howling with laughter. I’m sure the waiters thought we were all high as kites. We were, in a way.

While we’re waiting for the lift, Ros says “I want a group hug” and someone else says “let’s wait till we’re in the lift.” So when we all cram in, I spread my arms and call “group hug” and we all huddle together and everyone squeals all the way down until we reach the lobby and the doors open.

We all then head off in different directions to bed.

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Switzerland France Germany in One Day

We make an early start from Giswil, through alpine scenery and more tunnels. Shortly after we get going, Steve does his usual trick for ironing clothes: he removes his jumper. He figures if he wears a jumper for the first part of the day, his body heat will iron out the creases in his shirt. He assures me it works, at least that it looks better than it did when he first put it on, but it doesn’t exactly look freshly pressed.

When we make a pee stop, Ashley explains the system: you pay one franc or euro and go through a turnstile, where you are given a ticket. After you use the loo, you can spend the value of the ticket on something in the shop. At the first stop, I buy some chocolate and use the ticket (plus more money) to pay. At the second stop, Rafael, Aurora’s brother-in-law, stands outside the turnstiles collecting the tickets as we leave. I then see him on the bus eating a wrap he’d bought with the proceeds.

Since we are passing close to the area where the Swiss, French and German borders meet, Ashley offers us a diversion into Colmar, a town in the Alsace region of France. He hasn’t been there before, so he’s not certain about parking and toilets, but we agree to take the risk and go for it. This area has been untouched by wars, unlike most other areas of France.

Arriving in Colmar, we circle the block a few times to locate a spot, then pull up next to a lovely park. We hop out and go walking up a cobblestone alley to a square, where Ashley gives us an orientation. He points out an area called “Little Venice” and the shopping streets, and gives us a meeting time.

Steve and I and a few others hotfoot it towards “Little Venice.” By now we’ve given up trying to round up the other girls for sightseeing. All they seem to want to do is shop. (I hope no one is expecting presents. I don’t seem to have the stomach for shopping.) The houses are gorgeous Tudor style timber and masonry, painted bright colours, all of them with flower boxes in bloom. None of them are perfectly straight, and many seem to lean into the street.

We come to a picturesque canal, lined with restaurants and outdoor tables and chairs. We explore a little further, but it seems there is only one canal, though we maybe didn’t go far enough. We pick out a cafe and sit down next to the canal. A petite energetic young french woman comes to take our order.

“Do you speak English?” we ask.

“I speak just a leetle bit of Eengleesh,” she tells us.

Steve had seen a pizza-looking thing that people at another table were eating and we decided on that before we even saw the menu. We asked about it and she said it was bread with cream, spec, and cheese. Steve has a beer and I order a water.

“Do you want it wiz gas, or wizout gas?” she asks.

“Wiz gas,” I tell her, thinking I’m speaking French, but suddenly realising I’m not.

The food is delicious, the bread very thin and crisp. While we are eating, Aurora, her sister (I still don’t know her name) and Rafael wander by. I press them to have a slice of my “pizza” but only Rafael accepts before they walk on.

Steve points out the large fish in the canal. While I’m looking at the water, suddenly an animal like a very big rat swims past. I point it out to Steve and we rush to take a photo. It is way too big to actually be a rat and seems to have a wider, less pointy face. Later, when we ask Ashley about it, he suggests it could be a marmot.

We check the time and still have 15 minutes, so don’t stress when we have to wait a while for the bill. On the way back to the meeting place, when Steve wants to have a quick look in a souvenir shop, I say I don’t think we have time. He looks at his watch and realises we should be at the meeting place already. They are all there waiting for us, when we arrive. I say we’re late because Steve led me astray.

We return to the bus, via a walk-through fountain. Rafael is now wearing a peaked Swiss hat. He strides straight through the fountain, emerging dry on the other side.

We travel some more, out of France and into Germany. I’ve tried to learn some German while we were in Austria and Switzerland, but I’m a lost case. About all I can manage is guten morgen and danke schon. I just can’t get the accent and nothing I pronounce sounds right. It’s lovely to be back in France, where I feel more confident with the language, albeit clumsy.

Our next stop is Heidelberg, a student town, with, as usual, a castle perched above it. By now we all have sensory overload. The girls want to browse the shops again, so Steve and I go for a halfhearted wander. One interesting thing we see is a church that has stalls all around it against the outside walls. The Church, originally a Catholic Church, changed hands a few times over the centuries between Catholic and Protestant, at one stage even belonging to both of them, with a wall down the centre. We wander back via the river, looking across at expensive houses. We find when we return to the meeting place that most of the group have simply taken up residence at the pub rather than going sightseeing.

We continue to our hotel in Hockenheim. Tonight our dinner is supplied and it’s at a local pub a couple of minutes’ walk away. Ashley advises us that he’s asked for water for the tables but they told him we have to book that 2 weeks in advance. Nonetheless, it arrives at the tables 10 minutes later. We are also told we need to order drinks before the food comes.

Looking around, it really is a lovely decor. There are 3 large copper kettles (or tanks) at one end, and 4 large stainless steel ones at the other, in which they brew their own beer. Myra tells us there’s a cat and a dog in the restaurant, so I go in search of the cat, which is sitting on a cushion by the fireplace. It’s a grey striped moggie and condescends to let me stroke its head. When I rub its tummy, it gently fights me, but soon becomes rough, and I return to the table.

Ros goes to the kitchen and tells them she’s starving and can we have some bread, but they tell her the dinner won’t be long. She tells them she doesn’t want to know how long dinner will be, she wants bread. When she tells me I must look horrified.

“You think I’m terrible now, don’t you?” she asks.

“Ahm, no, I just think you should probably go through Ashley.”

“Yes, you’re right,” she says. “I feel terrible now.”

Ashley comes to tell us that the main meal is pork schnitzel and those who don’t eat pork will be given turkey. Ros is one of those people.

“Ros, that means you get served last,” I tell her.

A huge grin splits her face as she says “I feel like hitting you.” (I heard someone say they call Ros “the smiling assassin.”)

Entree is a plate of mixed lettuce with french dressing (and nothing else). Ros’s dinner actually arrives first, and looks better than what we were given: a dry schnitzel with a thin slice of lemon, and potato chips. Everyone asks for sauce, and packets of tomato sauce and I drown mine in mayonnaise. Dessert is strawberries and cream – yum!

Almost everyone gets up together and walks out, leaving me, Aurora, Ros and Merv to talk and joke a little longer.

As we stroll back to the hotel, we pass several well-dressed people, a church, and little boys kicking a ball around. Somehow Rafael has found a Spanish-speaking family with a cute baby in a pram and he chats to them in Spanish, like they are old friends meeting on an afternoon walk.

My room has 2 single beds and overlooks a courtyard, from which I hear voices and revelry. But I pay no attention to them, check emails and facebook and go to bed.

So this day we had breakfast in Switzerland, lunch in France and dinner in Germany.

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Liechtenstein Lucerne & Mt Pilatus

21 May

We spend the night in the tiny alpine Austrian town of Igls. The hotel is a family hotel that has been added onto and added onto over the years. Like all the buildings in town, it is quaint alpine style, painted white with brown timber trimmings. Opposite is a little yellow church surrounded by a small very well-kept graveyard with flowers on most of the graves. Forests surround the town, and above them, all around, rise steep rocky snow-capped mountains. When I go for a wander the air has begun to cool after what has been a hot day, and there’s a light breeze. I come across a tram station, which must have been the end of the line, as it loops around past the platform. I’m told it links Igls and Innsbruck, which is 15 minutes away.

In the morning, leaving Igls we drive through more alpine scenery and many tunnels through mountains, including the Arleburg tunnel, which is 14km long.

We cross into Liechtenstein, a very small country, but larger than the Vatican or Monaco. Liechtenstein is one of those countries that make money out of being a tax haven and apparently the people there are paid very well. This also means that prices are exorbitant.

We stop in the town of Vaduz for a lunch break. Several people take their passport to a little office to have it stamped with Liechtenstein, but it costs them 2 euros. I don’t bother and am glad I didn’t  when I find the stamp says “Liechtenstein Tourist Office”.

There’s a quaint old castle perched above the town, and another castle-looking building on another nearby mountain. It’s a pretty town, once again with impressive buildings. The beggars here seem to be young and not very pathetic or aggressive. In fact, I suspect some of them are actually fellow tourists, trying out their luck sitting on the ground holding a cup.

I have a brief look in a souvenir shop but am feeling hungry. The girls keep browsing the shops but I’m bored with that and wander off checking out cafes. The typical price for a main course is around 35 Swiss francs. I’m thinking of going to the supermarket, for a simple sandwich, but Steve catches up with me and says the girls have sat down at a restaurant. When I mumble about the expense, he says he’s accepted that’s just part of the experience. I go back to join them and find they’ve ordered entrees. That seems like a reasonable compromise, as I have some nuts in the bus that I can munch on later if I’m still hungry, and I need to use a loo anyway.

After lunch, Steve & I dash off to catch a few sights before we leave. It’s hot and I’m wearing jeans, but we scoot around in a hurry looking at buildings and squares. At one stage, when I walk ahead Steve urgently calls me back. A group of young people start rolling balls out from around the fountain and running, with a dog, towards a castle-looking building. I think “what the….?” then realise they are filming and I was about to walk through their set. Wonder what the story was…

There’s yet another church and it’s open, so we decide to go in. When I open the huge timber door and step inside, it’s suddenly cool and quiet. Looking around, I practically lose my breath.The entire inside of the church is painted white, except for just a few ornamental decorations and paintings. It’s clean and uncluttered, unlike the overly ornate churches we’d seen to date, and just magnificent. As I walk down the centre aisle, a woman comes in behind me, and I hear her sigh with awe as well, as the door closes behind her with a gentle thud.

Back on the bus, we leave Liechtenstein and continue into Switzerland. One of the interesting things  Ashley tells us about Switzerland is that, although they managed to stay neutral during the world wars, they are renowned fighters and have a reputation as mercenaries. They have 2 years compulsory military service (I’m assuming for boys only?) and approximately 10% of the population belong to the army. However, they like to be discreet and not show off the military presence. Their military runways tend to look like a strip of asphalt in the middle of a farm, with their fighter jets hidden underground. We drive past one of these runways and Ashley points out a barn-looking building that leads to underground hangars. The Swiss have reportedly also booby-trapped tunnels and bridges for activation should they be invaded.

We pull into Lucerne and the first place we go is the Lion Monument. This monument makes me want to weep whenever I think about it. It was created as a memorial to Swiss fighters who were slaughtered when they were protecting the king somewhere or other. The lion is depicted as dying and the pain on its face is incredibly evocative. To make it even more so, a young busker plays sad music on a violin. I have to throw him a few coins.

The bus transports us just down the road near a river and a jewellery shop, where we all go in to use the loos. Then, with our vox machines on, we follow Ashley as he walks through the shopping district pointing out the best places to buy Swiss watches, Swiss Army knives and chocolate.

We come to a rushing river, the mountains rising behind, with an ancient wooden covered bridge crossing it. We follow Ashley over the bridge and back along the other side, heading upriver. Another covered bridge, called the Chapel Bridge, crosses the river. It dates back 400 years, except that about 20 years ago a drunk threw a cigarette butt over the edge into a boat, it landed in rags, set fire to them and the boat, the boat drifted under the bridge, set fire to the bridge and destroyed 2/3rds of it. It was reconstructed to be original, except that I notice the new part has concrete pylons, not timber ones.

Near the railway, the river flows from a huge lake surrounded by snow-capped mountains.

We continue on to the village of Giswil, where we are staying the night. The hotel is made up of 3 buildings and is like a ski lodge. We are given keys attached to heavy lugs. I’m in the main building and, because the lift is not obvious, I walk up 2 flights of stairs to find my room. It’s like the tiny bathroom was built into the room later. I throw open the windows and a breeze rushes in. I have a lovely view overlooking chalets and mountains.

I’d elected not to go to the optional experience that night. It was a yodelling and oom-papa experience by the sound of it, and I’m not fond of that type of music. Besides, I need to cut out something to manage the budget.

Steve isn’t going either, so we decide to find a local pub for dinner. After the others leave for the excursion, we wander downstairs. Aurora is there and we invite her to come with us, but she declines. When we dawdle in the foyer she changes her mind and asks if we’ll wait a minute.

It’s become overcast and is beginning to sprinkle with rain as we start out. On the way into town we’d spotted a nice-looking pub but it was a fair walk away. There’s a closer one, however, and it has a sheltered veranda on the side that looks attractive. Inside, we’re directed towards a dining room.

“Can we eat out on the veranda?” I ask.

“You can iv you vish,’ the waitress tells us. “It ees a leetle bit more expensive, but of course you can iv you vish.”

I look at my companions. “We don’t need expensive food, do we?” I ask them.

“No, no, I just want a beer,” Aurora says, so we go into the dining room, which is a little too warm.

Aurora gets her beer all right – a towering 500ml glass. Steve has the same while I have a glass of house white, which is way better than Spanish wine.

Aurora initially wasn’t going to eat. The menu offers half portions, but the full portions aren’t double the price, and Aurora agrees to go halves with me. The waitress is perfectly happy to bring us one serving and an extra plate. She asks where we are from and when Steve and I say we’re from Australia, her eyes light up. Six months ago she’d been to Australia and had toured around extensively.

As I may have mentioned in earlier emails, Aurora is on the trip with her sister and her brother-in-law, Rafael. She tells us they have all lived in California all of their lives but her sister and brother-in-law don’t speak English.

Aurora and her husband run a trucking business, carting materials for making concrete. Her husband didn’t come on the trip because they can’t leave the business that long, and her husband is training their son to take it over. At one stage their business was running 100 trucks, but with the GFC, they cut back to around 60. She gets involved in the admin of the business, plus manages their investment properties. They are secure money-wise for the rest of their lives and she wants to stop chasing money and start enjoying their lives more. She plans to come back to Europe next year with her husband and daughter.

Aurora is 50, but you wouldn’t know it. She is a gorgeous black-haired, sexy latino woman with a positive outlook and bubbly personality. She loosens up as she finishes her beer and orders another one.

Outside, the sky clears as we enjoy our meal. When we decide to leave, the waitress obligingly makes up separate bills, then recalculates to convert them from Swiss francs to euros, since that’s all we had. She is grateful too when we leave her reasonable tips. The rain returns as we leave and we rush back to the hotel in the rain.

22 May

It’s again overcast and drizzling the next morning, and surprisingly cool. I had been used to getting around in singlets, but I definitely need long-sleeves this morning. When we are all settled on the bus, Ashley, looking very pleased with himself, tells us our itinerary for the day has been swapped around. The forecast is for rain in the morning, clearing in the afternoon, so he has rearranged for the trip to Mt Pilatus to be on in the afternoon, and instead we’ll spend time in Lucerne in the morning.

They drop us off by the jewellery shop again. In Liechtenstein I’d seen some Swiss watches that I liked that were not as outrageously-priced as others, and I’d noted the brand (Jowisson or something) to check if they’d be better prices in Switzerland.  I’d seen a shop selling them when we went to the Lion monument, so Steve and I head up there first up to check them out. Steve is contemplating buying a new watch and is checking out Swiss Army knives to buy as presents for friends. The prices of the watches are no better than in Liechtenstein, so I decide I don’t need one. Steve buys a sharpening stone for his knife for 2 euros.

We have a map of the town and decide to check out the old city wall. I make use of Steve’s sense of direction and we go uphill until we find it. The rain has stopped and the day is clearing and it’s hot climbing, so I stop next to a wheelie bin and take off my jacket. When we reach the wall, the street opens into a square and a fountain and I reach for my camera, but it’s not there. Ooops! Steve gallantly runs back down to where I’d removed my jacket and finds my camera, sitting atop the wheelie bin.

I ask Steve to stand up on the ledge of the fountain and take a piss, so he obligingly climbs up and takes a pose, with the water streaming out from the appropriate spot while I take a photo.

We walk over to the wall and find a little wooden door that leads into the wall. Inside we are able to climb up to the ledge that runs around the outside at the top of the wall and provides a stunning vista of the city. Following that along, we come to a tower where we can climb the steps inside to the top. Inside, closed off by clear panels, are the workings of a huge old clock. At the top, the rough hewn stone steps are steep, and I have to haul myself up them. The view is worth it.

By now I’ve had enough walking and am hanging for a coffee. Steve navigates us back down to the  river and we sit and have a quick coffee. We then go to the shopping district and Steve buys a fancy watch, before we rush back to meet at the required time.

We follow Ashley across to the lake and onto a boat, where we are advised that we’ll get the best view from the top deck. The weather has cleared but it is cool enough to button jackets and then we are snug. We motor out across the large lake, surrounded by rugged snow-capped mountains. Swiss music is pumped out of speakers, but people become quiet, awed by the scenery.

The captain announces that we can come down to the cabin for photos of us driving the boat and a few people go down. I’m not too interested, but Steve, sitting on the opposite side of the boat signals to me to go for a photo so we go down and take snaps of each other, wearing a Captain’s hat.

Up the end of the lake, we pass under a bridge and go upriver a short distance before we dock and walk over to the railway station. On the steepest cogwheel railway in the world we see a red carriage that’s tilted at an angle. We pass through turnstiles and board. Some people, afraid of heights, keep their eyes inside as the train rises up the mountain. Sometimes we pass through tunnels, the walls just wide enough to fit the train carriage. The scenery becomes ever more spectacular. I can see a goat track that zigzags up the mountainside. We’ve risen maybe 2/3rds up the mountain, when I hear some cheering. Outside the window are a young couple walking the goat track, cheered on by people on the train.

At the top we emerge into a large tourist building, complete with souvenir shop (of course) cafeteria, and, up the stairs, a viewing deck. From the viewing deck, steps lead up to the 3 separate peaks. Steve tries to round up the 2 Jennys, Linda & Deb for a walk up to one of the peaks, but they have their heads in the souvenir shop and so I say I’ll see them up there.

It’s not too much of a climb and I’m only slightly out of breath when I arrive at the top. The path diverges halfway up, so I select the one that looks the highest. At the top there are bench seats and Japanese tourists. Black birds with yellow beaks swoop around the peaks. I marvel at the view for a while, then sit down to eat the bread roll that I’d made up at breakfast time and wrapped in a napkin.

A few minutes later, Steve arrives, out of breath. The others had all copped out, and he’d run up to the other peak first before coming up this one. He eats his bread roll and we enjoy the view then take photos of each other with stunning backdrops. A bird lands on a rail nearby and strikes poses for photographs.

We meet the group back down near the entrance to the gondola which is to take us down the mountain. There are too many people for the first gondola, so we wait with Marlin, the Filipino Mum & her 3 sons and the 2 sisters and go in the next one. We pass down the mountain, high above tall pine trees, heading towards Lucerne.

Ashley had said something about not getting off at the first stop, so when it docks halfway, we tell them we have to stay on, but the gondola man tells us to get off.

We do as we are told and board a smaller 4 person gondola with the sisters.  It stops halfway and some people get off but we realise that was where we had been instructed to stay on. We meet the group and go back to the hotel. There is another optional excursion planned, leaving in an hour’s time, a horse and cart ride, but thankfully, I hadn’t signed up for that one.

In my room I write a bit of this journal then set my alarm and sleep until dinnertime at 8pm.

After the included dinner, (salad, soup, chicken and mushrooms with fried potatoes, then creme caramel) I leave my friends in the foyer drinking Tia Maria and engrossed in the internet, and go up to my room for shower, writing and bed.


18 May 2014

After leaving Venice and driving towards Austria we begin to encounter mountain scenery. How can I describe it other than to say it is majestic? We have nothing like it in Australia. What we call mountains are like rounded anthills compared to what I’ve been seeing, and especially what we are surrounded by now.

Austria used to be an empire and a major world power, with a lot more territory, until the end of the First World War. They were blamed for their substantial part in starting the war, and when it ended, so did their empire.

When we were planning to go to New Zealand, people told us that at every corner, we’d stop and go “Wow!” It was true, but it is even more true of my whirlwind tour of Europe. Having so much more history than Australia, and with so many different cultures, I find each city awe-inspiring, but then I find the next one equally stunning. Vienna is filled with beautiful buildings and they are so clean and well-kept and elegant. In contrast, Rome was ancient, even the more modern buildings having a patina of dirt and history clinging to them, creating a different kind of charm.

The hotel in Vienna is ideally situated, with a supermarket next door, a chemist next to that, a laundromat a block away, and, (I found out unfortunately too late to use it,) a public swimming pool within walking distance. The rooms are a good size, too.

After driving for the day, we are late arriving, so have just 45 minutes to get ready for dinner and a Viennese concert. We are supposed to dress up for it but I have a limited wardrobe. I end up wearing black pants and a cream top with a shawly sort of cardigan, then dress it up with the lacy aqua scarf I’d bought at Burano. I’m ready with time to spare. For the first time, Steve is last to the bus. He’s lost track of his camera (but found it again the next day).

The concert is held in a very elegant building, with magnificent chandeliers in a restaurant with large round tables. For starters I have a traditional Austrian dish of beef in jelly, which is surprisingly light and delicious. This is followed by a beef consomme soup then grilled salmon for main course. The wine is excellent, too, and I lose count of how many glasses I drink. Only dessert is a little disappointing – some sort of shredded pancake.

After dinner we ascend the marble staircase to the concert hall where an orchestra with impeccable timing plays music by Strauss and Mozart. There are also 2 opera singers and 2 ballerinas (a guy and a girl – do you call guys who do ballet ballerinas?) who do amusing but classy skits. At intermission we go out to the balcony for a glass of champagne, but I’ve already had more than enough to drink and don’t end up finishing it.

The bonus of these night outings is that you get to see the city at night as well. Driving home through the beautiful city was really lovely.

19 May

I’ve booked the trip to Schonbron palace for the next day, so have to get up early. Sylvia, who speaks English very clearly, with a charming German accent, is our local guide who tells us all about the palace.

Schonbron Palace was the winter residence for the Emperor, and was decorated by the only female Emperor Maria Theresa. As well as ruling the Empire, Maria Theresa had 14 children. Her husband amused himself by painting pictures and taking other lovers. Schonbron Palace has over 200 rooms, some of which are now let out for private rental. There are huge rooms with patterned timber parquet floors, huge chandeliers, (which seem to be ubiquitous in this part of the world,) wonderful detailed portraits, and intricate gilt decorations everywhere you look.

Even though I know there are gardens around the palace that I want to see, I get distracted in the gift shop, which of course you have to pass through to get outside, and find some T-shirts imprinted with some of the elegance of the palace.

Outside I see Anne (one of the sisters), and we take photos of each other in the garden. There are long rows of rose bushes covered in flowers, neatly shaped hedges and lawns, fountains and statues. We run out of time to explore properly, rushing back to meet the bus for the tour through the city.

We get off the bus again at the main palace, which is even more extensive. This time we only get to walk around the outside. There are many horses and carts that clip clop around the town, providing rides for tourists, and adding to the old world charm. We have time in the city for lunch and Steve & I sit outside at the Mozart cafe. Sylvia has told us about specialty cakes and coffee with whipped cream, so I was already salivating. Since I wasn’t having a big dinner, I ordered goulash, which Jassie tried when she was in Europe and raved about, and it was excellent. I topped it off with a coffee with chocolate and whipped cream, by then being too full for cake.

We have free time back at the hotel after our sight-seeing tour and I lug a load of washing up to the laundromat. I have elected not to go to the outing that evening, since it is just a dinner with entertainment, so I have plenty of time. I muddle through trying to work out the system for the laundromat, aided by pointing from a woman doing her washing, who spoke no English. It is only later while I wait for my load to finish that I see clear instructions written in English. The good thing is that I am able to put all my washing in one load and for 10 euros it washes and dries it all.

I’ve taken along my iPad to try to catch up on my travel journal, but I haven’t been there long when Nada comes in and sits with me and keeps me company until her load is finished. Later, I buy a large tray of strawberries, some bananas, nuts and have some of them for my dinner, a welcome change from the huge meals I’ve been eating.  I spend a pleasant evening in my hotel room, working on my journal.

Venice by Day

On the bus we go to the same wharf we’d been to the night before, and board the boat. This time, it takes us to the Murano Glass showroom on Giudecca Island, where we are shown a glass-blowing demonstration. A master glass-blower pulls a glowing ball of glass on a long hollow tube from a furnace. He shapes it by blowing through the tube, and pulling it with pincers and by holding it against the surface of a bench. In a couple of minutes, he has shaped a cute little vase with handles. He sets it down while he begins his next creation.

Our host, dressed in a beautiful suit, explains to us that the glass pieces need to be tempered and gradually cooled over several hours, otherwise they shatter. Sure enough, a few minutes later, the vase cracks and falls to pieces. Also, they have only a limited amount of time to shape the glass before it cools too much, so they have to work very quickly.

The craftsman’s next piece is a prancing horse, which he shapes in about 2 minutes. Very impressive!

Unfortunately we are not allowed to take photos in the showroom, due to “copyright.” Pity, I was hoping to get some ideas for Carmel.

The showroom is spectacular. They have the most amazing elegant works of glass art – beautiful fat swirls of liquid paused in time, opulent chandeliers, prancing horses, serene zebras, colourful dishes, exquisite intricate glasses moulded with gold – how I would love to take a set of those home. They also have pretty but very expensive glass beads and glass jewellery, just like what I can get from Carmel at a fraction of the price.

A couple of people from the tour splurge on some pieces, but most of us just admire them, and Steve jokes about ordering a chandelier for his place in Brisbane.

We reboard the boat and motor out to the main part of Venice, where we’d been the night before. Now we can see what the crowds are like. There are people everywhere. Even getting across the footbridges requires dodging and weaving. Ashley lead us up to St Mark’s square, where he leaves us to wander and fill in time for a couple of hours. We are advised to get lost, then find our way back to the square by following signs.

I team up with Jen, Linda (mother and daughter) Jenny, Debbie and Steve. The first thing we want to do is get coffee and food. We figure the cheaper cafes will be away from the square and away from water views, so follow Steve, our navigator, up, down and across alleys until we find a cafe that sells bread rolls and coffee. We all order coffee and the others order breadrolls, while I order tiramisu. My tiramisu is disappointing – frozen in the middle, just like the one I was served for dinner the night before. Life’s hard.

The other girls aren’t interested in exploring, but I’m keen to make my way to the Rialto Bridge, so I split from them and go walkies, following the signs. Making my way anywhere is hard going, hindered by crowds. It’s a hot day, too, and silly me had brought a big jacket with me that I carry around the whole time. I reach the bridge and have a half-hearted browse of the markets. Back in Florence, I’d seen boxer shorts with the boy parts of Michelangelo’s David printed on them, but when I saw them we were rushing for the bus, so I didn’t have time to buy. I fantasise about boarding the bus wearing them over my jeans, but alas, I can’t find any in Venice.

Finding a loo in most of the cities we’ve been in has been an ongoing bother. There seem to be very few public toilets, and those that are available you have to pay for. The other alternative is to buy coffee or food in a cafe or restaurant and then you are entitled to use their loos. But if you don’t need food, it’s a problem.

I’m tired of walking and go to our meeting place with time to spare. I need to pee and spot some signs “W.C.” painted on the pavement, with an arrow. I follow the signs along the promenade and down a number of alleys until I find a public loo. A bit like a treasure hunt. I pay Madame Pee Pee (not sure what they call her in Italy) and gratefully relieve myself. I find my way back to the dock and sit on steps on a bridge while I wait for the boat.

Our next destination is the island of Burano. Burano is famous for lace-making and colourful houses. Apparently it’s a tradition for all the members of a family to paint their houses in the same colour. If they move house and someone from a different family moves in, they repaint it in the new family colour. This makes for a delightfully colourful village. The houses on Burano are very pretty, painted with random bright colours and flower boxes and washing hanging from windows and in the streets, sometimes even amongst shops.

We follow Ashley past the shops selling lace tablecloths, scarves, masks and other tourist trinkets, down the street and over a bridge to a restaurant where we are to have a late lunch. We go right to the back of a long restaurant where we sit at long tables and are served a multi-course seafood lunch. The salt and pepper calamari is to-die-for. Jen says the battered fish is, too, but I’m too full and pass mine off to her. I was considering not drinking since wine puts me to sleep in the daytime, but I taste the wine and it is so nice I indulge in a glass. We have some time for shopping and I buy myself an aqua lace scarf. Feeling very full, I go back to the wharf. A wind has whipped up, and finally I put on the jacket I’d carried around all day.

When we return to the hotel, I’m still very full, and exhausted. I hang out in my tiny room with the single bed, sorting out my iPad, until I finally go to bed around 10 o’clock.

Venice, the First Night

In Rome, my camera battery goes flat, so I take photos with my iPad until it tells me it’s full. To make more space I delete some old videos and continue taking photos. I leave my iPad in the seat pocket on the bus, but when I returne and turn it on,  a message says it’s disabled. Seems it spat the dummy!

Searches on my iPhone indicate an iPad can become disabled if the password is tried too many times. Well, I haven’t done that, so I assume it’s something to do with overloading it. I send messages to Noah asking what I can do, and he sends me back links with ideas to try. But I have no luck. It seems my only option is to connect it to iTunes and restore. Bugger! It means I lose some of my travel journal, but not too much. The only ones I haven’t sent on to friends aren’t that uninteresting anyway.

We arrive at the hotel on the outskirts of Venice around 4pm, so there’s time for a break before the included dinner at the hotel at 6pm. Steve offers to lend me his laptop and is happy for me to install iTunes and do my restore. So, before going out for the evening, I hook up my iPad to his laptop and begin the iTunes download.

We’re back on the bus by 7pm. The mainland part of Venice is not impressive. It’s like any old town, a bit industrial. As we approach the docks it appears even more industrial, with smokestacks in the distance. Parking at the wharf, we board a boat and step down into a covered area with seats. A huge ship is docked across the bay. As we motor away from the docks, I climb the steps to the open area to look out, and spray hits me in the face. The tanned Italian driving the boat indicates to me to duck behind the windshield, so I stoop down to avoid the spray. As we near the islands of Venice, we turn away from the wind and the driver indicates that I can pop up again.

Across the lagoon I get my first glimpse of Venice: houses joined together set back from the waterfront, a domed church and clock tower, canals leading back from the waterfront, spanned by small bridges.

There are only 2 ways of getting around in Venice, we are told: by boat or on foot. There are no cars, motorbikes or even bicycles. This is different to everywhere we’ve been. Even in the narrow cobblestoned streets of the old towns, you still come across cars that someone has managed to manoeuvre in.

It’s still light as we pull in to a wharf, get off the boat and gather around Ashley. He tells us that there are hardly any people here at the moment. I look around at the crowds but he assures us that it’s far busier in the day time. We trail him to the spot where we board the gondolas, up over footbridges that span the narrow canals, pausing to gaze with wonder at the buildings lining the canals, the water lapping at their walls.

We are organised into groups of 6 and I join Joy, Ray, Jenny, Debbie and Dory. Joy and Ray get the “love seat” and before we even board, Debbie is taking photos of them kissing. The Italian men around here are all tanned. The gondolier grips our hands tightly as we step onto the gondola. After Joy & Ray get settled on the end seat,  Jenny & Debbie sit facing each other, with a knee jammed in each others’ crotch in the narrow boat, both of them squealing with laughter about it. I sit next, facing sideways and thankfully have enough space for my knees, and Dory sits at one end seat. The gondolier, of course, stands at the other end paddling the boat with his long oar. He skilfully guides it away from the wharf and into a canal, following another boat. More gondolas follow us, one of them with musicians playing traditional Italian music. To be honest, I am so wide-eyed looking at the buildings, that I barely notice what instruments they’re playing, but I’m pretty sure one of them is a squeezebox.

Debbie & Jenny joke and intermittently roar with laughter – I especially love Debbie’s laugh, so infectious. Ray & Joy shamelessly put on a display of kissing for the keen photographers. Using Jenny’s tablet, Dory takes a great photo of us in the boat. We float slowly down the canals, under bridges. Each time we pass under a bridge, Jenny calls to the gondolier to watch his head.

“Oh,” he scoffs, “I do this for 35 years.”

A window opens from one of the buildings lining the canal and a woman looks out and waves to us.  We wave back, calling out buona sera. Gondolas glide past in the opposite direction.

Sitting in the gondola, drifting through the canals, it occurs to me that this my be a little corny, a tourist gimmick, but somehow that doesn’t matter. I can’t be cynical – the atmosphere is amazing.

About 20 minutes later we arrive back where we began. We must have done a lap of the block.

Once we are all back on the promenade, we follow Ashley up to the square where he directs us to a restaurant with tables outside. The people I’m with sit away from the group at the outer edge, since Jenny and Linda are smoking. It is almost dark and there’s a cool breeze, but I’m dressed warmly in my wind jacket. Lamps come on and the buildings around light up. Opposite is a grand white building, a palace I think.

We are given a drink each as part of the deal, and I enjoy a glass of bubbly. Closer in to the restaurant a trio plays music. All I can really see is a man playing a grand piano and another playing a violin. When they play the theme from the Titanic I’m mesmerised. They play it so beautifully, with such depth of feeling. It’s a cliche to talk about the romance of Venice, but the ambience all comes together. When I was a kid I was told about Venice, and it seemed amazing, like a fairytale, to hear about the buildings on canals, and the gondolas. I can’t believe that now I’m here, and it really does have that amazing atmosphere.

I leave the smokers’ group and go to chat to Ros & Merv. They are on this trip as part of celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. Ros always has a mischievous smile on her face, yet she seems so guileless. She asks me if I heard the laughing earlier. She says she didn’t realise the musicians don’t like people taking photos of them. When she did, one of the guys in the trio took out a camera and took a photo of her. She just posed and smiled and everyone laughed.

I don’t want to miss the music, but Ashley had told us the bigger square was further down, so I wander off to look at that. I’m not disappointed. It’s a much larger square, lined with attractive buildings, lit up subtly. Restaurants and gift shops line the square and there are groups of people gathered around ones on opposite sides of the square where there is live music. In the middle of the square people are constantly moving, and lights are propelled up into the sky and falling down again. An Indian guy approaches me to try to sell me one of the lights. He asks me to watch as he stretches back a rubber band to launch it, urging me to try it myself. When I refuse, he launches it himself and urges me to watch it. Ashley had warned us that this was a ploy to pickpocket while we were distracted, so I won’t even look up at it. He may have just been trying to sell it, and I would actually like one, but I’m too paranoid now about having my gear stolen.

I meander around, looking into shop windows at the glass artworks, before I return to the restaurant, which is near to our meeting point. During a break in the music, I ask the cost of their CD, and joyfully buy one from them for 20 Euros.

Next we board a boat similar to the one that brought us here and seat ourselves inside. Rafael, Aurora’s brother-in-law, (who everyone is calling Zorro tonight since he’s Mexican and dressed all in black) goes up to the deck, and urges Aurora to come up. Aurora then urges me to come up too. I had forgotten that now we were going up the Grand Canal, the main “street” of Venice. I am so glad she did – the sight is awesome, motoring through beautiful Venice lit up with lights.

We arrive back where we’d left the bus and board again to return to our hotel. I give Ashley the CD to play on the bus and I relax and listen, barely believing I’ve just been to Venice.

Arriving back at the hotel around midnight, I’m delighted to see my iPad greet me with “Hello”, rather than “iPad Disabled.” However, when I try to restore, it tells me it can’t reach the server. The  laptop is flat. I delve into the bag and find a power cord, but when I plug it in, nothing happens. Tired after my exciting evening, I decide to go to bed and worry about it in the morning.

After lying in bed for 10 minutes, I suddenly have a brainwave. The power cord I was using had been coiled up with a twist tie around it, so maybe it was the wrong one. I turn the light on, jump up and fish around in the bag. Yes! There’s another one that fits, and this time, the laptop comes alive. I stay up and continue with the restore before going to bed around 1:30am.


12 May 2014

It’s been a travelling day today, on our way to Cannes. Along the way we pass the mountain that Cezanne painted many times.

We pass by our hotel in Cannes and drive into Cannes itself so that Ashley can show us the way for a walk in this evening. Nothing too hard about it. Keep the Mediterranean Sea on your right going in, and on your left coming home.

Avangari Resort looks promising: a large gold building one road back from the beach. A free night tonight, and I can’t wait to get off the bus and away from the larger group.

I’m allocated a room on the 5th floor and am handed a package – my long lost phone has arrived! The hotel lobby is pleasant and, as usual, the elevators are tiny. It’s a battle to fit 5 or 6 people with hand luggage in. Whenever I hop into one with a group of people I can’t help thinking how crook it would be if they broke down, with us all breathing down each others’ necks.

When I get off on the 5th floor, there is colourful carpet, a dresser painted gaily and dusk pink velvety wallpaper. My room is right at the end of the hall. When I walk in, I’m delighted. A floor to ceiling window looks out onto my veranda. Half of the window slides open and from my veranda I’m overlooking a large hotel pool, a railway line and then the Mediterranean Sea. The room itself has shelves just inside the door, a bathroom (with heated towel rails) to the left, and what looks like a cupboard door opens to a separate toilet. The expansive bed has white covers and pillows and a pretty red overlay across the foot. Gorgeous! I drop my gear, use the loo, rip open the package and verify that my phone, credit cards and licence are intact then rush back down to the lobby.

Ashley had offered to walk into town to lead the way if people wanted to follow him, but I’m really over playing follow the leader and instead team up with Steve to walk in on our own.

We set off down the road towards the beach, pass under a railway bridge and cross the road, (where I’m narrowly missed by a motor bike that toots at me) to the promenade that runs along a sandy beach. It’s a lovely warm evening. There are tiny waves lapping on the sand. I’m busting to feel the water, but reluctant to remove my joggers. I hurry down and lean over to feel the water – it’s cool but not impossibly – and soak my shoes at the same time.

As we climb the steps and begin to walk along the promenade, a man strolls towards us, rubbing his nipples with his fingertips.

“Did you see that?” Steve asks, after he passes.

“You mean the guy twiddling his nipples? Yeah, I wonder what that was all about?”

As we approach the town, there are restaurants lining the road. We come to a large cinema, with people queueing to go in. We decide it’s time to find a place to eat and figure they’d be better-priced one street back, so hook into a side street and pick out a pizza place. The only table outside is squeezed between 2 others, similar to the place where I’d eaten with Catriona in Paris. Women on the table right next to the vacant one tell us they will be smoking, but we decide to sit there anyway, and they leave soon after.

We order a pizza to share and a glass of wine each. The chardonnay is the first decent wine I’ve tried in France so far. The others, being part of package experiences, were house wines. whereas this one is bottled wine by the glass, so maybe it’s not that French wine is bad, rather that we’d been given the worst of it. (Even the white I had with Catriona in Paris was pretty featureless.)

Steve tells me a bit about his life while I eat more than my fair share of the pizza, drink my wine and eye off his wine, which he is sipping slowly. (I don’t start on his wine too, though I’m tempted.)

I look up and see a group of people from our tour standing on the foot path and yoohoo loudly to them, causing the people at the tables around us to look at me.

“We already saw you,” someone says, and I also hear murmerings about “they’re on a date.” They knock back our invitation to join us.

So, shrugging our shoulders, we continue with our meal and our talking, then follow it up with dessert. I have a delicious tiramisu and Steve has chocolate mousse.

As we walk out of town, back towards our hotel, the streets are almost deserted and Steve looks around nervously. There are some young men idling by the beach and some people behind us on the other side of the road.

“They’re from our tour,” Steve says about the people behind us.

On our way in I hadn’t paid attention to where we’d come onto the beach, but Steve says there was a walkover bridge nearby. However, when we go up the road next to the overpass, it doesn’t look right. The other people catch up and we confer with them and continue on.

Back in my beautiful room, it is hot & muggy, so I open the door to the veranda to let in fresh air and the sound of the ocean.

13 May 2014

I wake sometime around 5am but go back to sleep. Next thing I know it’s 9 o’clock and I think I hear a gentle tapping on the door. I had slept totally naked, so I don’t investigate, expecting it is probably housekeeping wanting to do the room. Pulling on some ‘jamies, I pop the “do not disturb” sign on the door, then take my time getting dressed. I take the sign off and go down to breakfast.

It seems most of the group has woken at a similar time and are all there having breakfast.

“I came to get you,” Steve says, “but you didn’t answer.”

“Oh, was that you? I’d just woken up,” I tell him.

It’s another glorious day, so of course we’re going to go swimming in the Mediterranean Sea. Graham and Vicki are planning to come to the beach, too, so, after going back to our rooms to get into cossies, and grabbing towels at reception, we head down together.

A slim girl with pert breasts walks topless along the shallows. I only have my speedos with me, not very glam for the occasion, but I strip off my shirt and shorts and feel the water on my feet. Not exactly warm.

“That’s freezing,” Steve says, wading in a little way in board shorts.

I work my way into the water a bit at a time. Yes, it’s cold, but gloriously refreshing, and I gradually adjust. Eventually I’m right in. Graham and Vicki just want to sit on the beach, and Steve goes in only up to his waist. Then Nada waltzes down and comes straight in and we frolic for a while until she decides it’s enough. We talk about going into town – we have to be back by 1:30 for the optional excursion, and think we have enough time to make it. Steve, Nada and I agree to shower then meet in the lobby.

I’m not very quick, and am just about to go down when Steve knocks at the door. He’s changed his mind, and so I do too. It would be a rush, and I can get by without the toiletries I’m low on for a bit longer. We look for Nada, but she’s nowhere to be found. We find out later, she’s given up on us and gone anyway.

So instead we lounge around drinking coffee, him sorting his photos, me getting onto skype with Jas. She’s been watching the budget and gives me a rundown on it. She shows me Willy, too, who comes meowing at her window while she talks to me. And she assures me Aaron didn’t forget Mothers’ Day. Obviously he has something planned.

I’m running about a minute late for the excursion leaving at 1:30, and the bus is nowhere to be seen. Someone else is running late, too, and we race down the street towards the yard where the bus was parked earlier in the day, but it’s not there. Just then, Ashley comes round the corner, looking for strays. He makes some kind of remark about us being late and we climb thankfully aboard.

Our first destination is the town of St Paul, a small, walled town perched on a mountain top, just within view of the ocean. We have to park the bus and walk up the hill and through the arch into the town. The pavements are inset with pebbles and the streets, of course, are narrow. We follow the leader up through alleys lined with gift shops. But the gifts, rather than being cheap trinkets, are beautiful works of art. There are amazing sculptures, carpets, silk and glass. At the top we look out at the view, then go to look at a graveyard where someone famous was buried. We wander around, buy an ice cream and I buy myself a little necklace with a blue twisting glass serpent, and a sparkling glass perfume bottle for Rachael.

The bus winds down the coast to Nice, and Nice is more than nice. The Promenade des Anglais runs along the beachfront. At one end of the town is an airport, where private jets are frequently parked. On the pebbly beach are fenced-off areas with deckchairs where you pay to sunbathe. On the opposite side of the road overlooking the Bay of Angels are elegant  “belle epoch” hotels, such as the Negresco, which has a smartly uniformed doorman always loitering outside. It’s a gorgeous town. No wonder it’s a favourite hang out of the rich and famous.

After passing through Nice, we follow the Corniche Road higher and higher up mountains bordering the sea. The scenery is magnificent.

Finally we stop at a little restaurant perched up high on a hill overlooking the Mediterranean. During our drive, the weather has turned cold. Some people are in shorts and light tops, but luckily I am in jeans and have a long-sleeved top with me.

Wine begins to flow freely as we eat our meals. We’d been given the menu 2 days before and chosen what we wanted. I start off with a salad then have a risotto with roquefort cheese, a rich blue-vein. It is so rich and so filling that I can’t eat it all, even though it’s delicious. Dessert for me is chocolate mousse with toffee sauce. It, too, is really delicious, but so sweet it induces a sweat. I shouldn’t eat it all, but I do.

I see a young girl wandering around early in the meal, and later, a little boy is asleep on the lounge on the other side of the restaurant. Obviously a family restaurant, and the kids just have to hang around.

Things are pretty rowdy by the time we leave the restaurant. Ashley starts to sing over the microphone as we drive back around the coast in the dark, then Ray takes the microphone and keeps the singing going. I don’t know the songs they’re singing (but I’m sure Colin would), until they start on silly ones like “Old McDonald” and “10 Green Bottles.” Arriving back at the hotel, we all go happily to our rooms.


Saragoza and Flamenco

Zaragoza & Flamenco 10 May 2014

We head off for another day on the road, towards Barcelona. The locals pronounce it Barthelona because someone important (a king or something) had a lisp and couldn’t say Barcelona, so he decreed that everyone say Barthelona. Aurora, the latino Californian girl who sits next to me, tells me that the people here say grathias for thank you, too, whereas usually the Spanish say Gracias.

As we leave Madrid, we drive through hilly country with some forested hills, some grassy hills, with small olive groves in pockets, and occasional streaks of red-orange poppies. As we continue, the hills become barer and rockier. At one stage we are surrounded by wind turbines – you could reasonably call it wind farming. We also pass sun-farming: a collection of solar cells covering the hills.

Nada had complained about the long driving days, stopping only at servos for breaks. She thought we should do stuff in the early part of the day, then drive through the afternoon, arriving at the hotel later in the evening. Possibly as a way of placating her, Ashley decides to change the itinerary slightly and make a diversion to Zaragoza for lunch.

We pull up outside a cathedral and pile out of the bus. It’s another gorgeous cathedral, but what is even more gorgeous are the ceremonies going on around it. There are first communions and baptisms and someone said there was even a wedding. I enjoy seeing children reaching for water in fountains, and little girls in elaborate white dresses, posing on podiums for photos. To be honest, I think the interior of the cathedral is overdone, just too elaborate – nothing like the grandeur of the rose window at Notre Dame, Paris.

The hotel we’re staying at in Barcelona is on the edge of the city, pretty much in an industrial area. But the bonus is, it’s actually a really nice hotel, with lots of marble, large rooms and kingsize beds. We arrive tired, but the joy of not being squeezed into tiny rooms is revitalising.

I quickly shower and get ready for another night out, then dump my washing into the bath, fluffing it up with bath gel.

It’s Saturday night and Barcelona is buzzing. The street the restaurant is on does not usually allow buses, but the restaurant had obtained a pass for us. The entrance to the restaurant has intricate timber carvings, which are continued inside on walls and ceilings. We’re ushered to tables and quickly directed to the buffet.

This is the best food yet. Salsa, avocado, potato salad, noodles, other salads, fish, chicken, paella………..the list goes on. Then for dessert: creme brulee, creme caramel, chocolate truffles, banana wrapped in pastry and rolled in cinnamon sugar, cream puffs…..yes, luckily I’m wearing stretchy jeans. I try to be restrained but stuff myself full, then head for the bathroom.

By the time I emerge, everyone has left the tables and moved to the theatre, seated ready for the flamenco show. I hurry in and sit down, chatting with an American couple, who were not part of the Trafalgar group, before the show begins.

Six young men are gathered casually along the back of the stage. One sits on a seat that seems to have drums inside and taps lazily on it. Another two play guitars while 2 girls with stunning figures wearing velvet dresses with layers of frills around the bottom edges, tap out rhythms with their shoes. The tempo increases, the girls moving faster and stamping harder. The men start singing and clapping. Well, I guess you call it singing, but it’s more like wailing. Another woman comes out and starts wailing in earnest. The girls dance on, dance off and there’s more wailing and metaphorical gnashing of teeth. The wailing, guitar playing and dancing becomes ever more dramatic and frenetic, the bored drum player even getting excited and drumming up a frenzy. The girls dancing look angrier and angrier and I think, shit, they sure wear the pants, you wouldn’t dare cross them.

A very cute young guy in a suit and beard comes out and dances and stamps and looks lustfully and playfully at one of the girls in particular. When one scene finishes and the lights went out, I see him put his arm around her as they go backstage.

When it all finishes, they come out for a final bow and we’re allowed to take photos. Yes, it’s dramatic and spectacular, even though at the beginning I thought they looked rather bored. I suspect they do 2 shows most nights, as we heard a show happening while we ate dinner.

I want to have a go at tapping and stamping myself, and when I get back to the hotel I do a little tap and stamp as we gathered waiting for the lifts. It got a few laughs, and one of the young girls (who has been quiet all the way) does an experimental stamp too. I would have liked to practice in my room, but unfortunately they have carpet and it doesn’t have the same effect.

Monserrat & Barcelona, Spain

11 May

 Think I’m getting used to going out every night, though I’m running late for breakfast this morning aMonserrat in the distancend I still can’t get used to having a big breakfast. I’m running late because Noah, God bless him, remembers it’s Mother’s Day and sends me a message asking when he can ring. So I have a chat to him on skype before going down to breakfast.

 Today we have an optional excursion to Monserrat, a monastery high on a jagged mountain about an hour out of Barcelona. A local guide named Mar, which is the Spanish word for sea (or perhaps it is Mer, pronounced Mar) arrives on her scooter and boards our bus. (She tells us she has a brother named the Spanish word for Sun.) Mar has a sense of humour and is more like Agatha, our guide in Paris.Housing on the way to Monserrat

We had seen the mountain of Monserrat on our way into Barcelona the day before, and we see it on the skyline soon after leaving the hotel. The bus meanders up a winding road as Mar tells us about Monserrat. There is a monastery, which still has a selective school for boys who sing in a famous choir, and a basilica near the top. On the way is a convent as well, which she points out as we approach. She tells us there is a secret underground passageway between the monastery and the convent.

The bus parks a short way from the monastery and Mar leads us up to it, giving a commentary on the little walkie-talkies we’d used before. She points out a steep railway car to the top, called a funicular, but advises us it takes 20 minutes up and Lookout at Monserrat20 minutes back, so we have to make sure we allow enough time to get back by 11. Steve, Jenny and Aurora and me decide we want to go up to the top. Jenny checks with Mar, if it’s OK to catch the one that arrives back at 11, and Mar is cool with that, saying they’ll wait a couple of minutes for us to walk back to the bus.

We have a quick look in the basilica and it is magnificent. We then race over to the funicular and buy our tickets, but have to wait while the driver has a smoke break before it goes.

The view at the top is amazing. The mountain of Monserrat has these exposed rocky columns that stand vertically, forming unusual shapes. It’s a little hazy today but we can still see Basilica at Monserratfor miles.

The funicular is late going back down, so we have to rush like crazy to the bus. Steve takes off like a rocket to ask them to wait for us. Aurora follows, and Jenny and I bring up the rear. Jenny is older than me, and looks to be in fantastic shape. She is slim, well-groomed and good fun but she says her lungs operate at only 65%. I tell her I have good lungs but crook hips so we just go as fast as we can. When we make it to the parking area, in our fluster we race past the bus and have to backtrack.

View from the topLooking down the funicular


The bus is late now but Mar doesn’t seem too worried. She does look worried, however, when we arrive in the centre of Barcelona, expecting to meet up with Ashley, our Tour Director and the rest of the people and there is a road block due to a parade. Police divert the bus, and we sit in traffic, watching horses, carts, donkeys and piles of hay parading down the streets where we want to go. Mar is madly ringing Ashley, and at once stage hops out of the bus to argue with a policeman, trying to convince him to let us go down a particular street, but he just shakes his head obstinately.

Chaotic parade Eventually we reach the meeting spot and Ashley and the people who didn’t take the Monserrat tour board the bus. Ashley, ever the diplomat, is clearly displeased and, in a very nice way, whinges about how we’ve lost an hour. Mar is pursing her lips and shrugging her shoulders and I hear Steve speak up to take the blame, explaining that the funicular was late returning, even though we’d asked about timing before we went.

 After things calm down, Mar tells us more about the architect, Gaudi, who designed the famous Sagrada Familia Church. We had heard about Gaudi and seen some buildings designed by him in Madrid. Gaudi, though famous, dressed casually and did not live a high life. The poor fellow was run over by a motor car (in early 20th century, before there were many cars on the road) and it was some time before he was identified. Sadly, he died a couple of days later.

Sagrada Familia 1By now we are running late. Everyone is hungry and dying to pee, but Mar ushers us off the bus and down the street to walk a few blocks to Sagrada Familia (Holy Family) Church. This church, the first part originally designed by Gaudi, is still not finished. There are 4 towers built but there are 10 more planned. One side of the Church represents the birth of Christ, one the death and another the resurrection. The 4th side is the main entrance. Gaudi died before the design was finished, so the remainder has been designed by other architects. Gaudi is truly unusual in that his designs are organic, rounded, representative of nature. Some people refer to him as gaudy, and yes, I could probably agree with that. It seems he goes over the top, even plopping carvings representing fruit on the top of points, “for decoration.” Unfortunately Sagrada Familia is inconsistent, a mish mash of styles, marvellous, but not what I’d call elegant. With the poor economy in Spain, the completion of it will be dependant on donations.Sagrad Familia Gaudis Influence

Sagrada Familia other influences

An amazing fact that Mar tells us: there are more tourists that pass through Spain than the population of Spain. And unemployment at the moment is around 24%


It is just a quick look at Sagrada Familia, rushing around following Mar’s “lollipop”, her blue flag on a stick that she waves above her head as she marches.

Back on the bus, they take us to the old quarter for a look around. By now everyone is even more hungry and bursting to pee, as the time allocated for a pee stop at Sagrada Familia had been used up. Luckily Mar agrees to delay the tour of the old quarter for 20 minutes while we grab a bite to eat and use the toilets of the places where we buy food. I just buy an ice cream, so that I don’t have to wait for food, and use the toilet of a restaurant anyway.


We meet again, look at a cathedral built in the 14th century (I think) and many other old buildings. We pass street performers playing unusual instruments, and the ever-present gift shops.

After the tour we have the option of staying in town for a couple of hours and Steve asks if I want to hang out. I’m glad to have the benefit of a male’s sense of direction – I get lost as soon as I turn a corner.Musicians

Just a few others take up the option. I want to go back to where there were musicians playing and listen to them some more. It is lovely peaceful music – a trio playing a harp-like instrument, a flute or saxaphoney thing and a strange metal instrument like an upside-down wok. They are offering a CD for sale and I’m still deciding whether or not to buy one when I’m further up the alley, then go back to ask the price. Jenny & Deb say they’ll continue on and maybe we’ll catch up with them later. The musicians are just packing up and I snaffle a CD for 10 euro. We wander in and out of gift shops and each buy something to take home. We come to a square with tables outside of coffee shops and look around for a table. All of them are full but one is being vacated.

“Someone’s already got it,” Steve says as I point it out. But there are people leaving another table and I move quickly towards it. Not quickly enough, though. A woman with a child pushes a trolley in front of me, blocking the way and claiming it for herself and her husband. I could duck around and beat her to it, but I’m not going to fight and graciously leave her to it. I’m rewarded for my graciousness because people vacate Noooo woman no cryanother table at the restaurant next door, and the chairs at this one are more comfortable.

Steve and I look around at the food that other people were eating and spot a basket of nachos.

“Let’s share a basket of nachos,” I suggest, and he agrees.

A duo are playing guitars and singing reggae music (Noooo woman, no cry, bomp bomp bomp-bomp, noo woman, no cry) and we relax with the locals on a Sunday afternoon, eating nachos and, for once, drinking good coffee.

The SquareWhen it’s approaching 5pm, we head back to the large square where we’re meant to meet the bus. I would be hopeless finding the right place, not having my phone with GPS, but Steve knows the way. The square is full of people and full of pigeons, but without the quantity of pigeon shit that you’d expect. We’re not 100% certain which end of the square we’re supposed to meet, so Steve reviews photos he took earlier and pinpoints the spot. There’s no one else from the bus waiting there.

When the bus arrives and we hop on, Ashley wanders up the road looking for the others. Then we drive around the block looking for them in case they are on the wrong corner. We are just about to give up when Ashley spots Jenny and Debbie. They look like the happiest people on earth when the bus stops and waits while they run towards us.

“Oh, thank goodness!” they say. “We didn’t know what we were going to do. We’ve been waiting since 4:30, we’ve been trying to ring Ashley, a cab wanted to charge us 70 Euros, and we were just about to cry.”

Ashley again laments the chaotic day, which happened all because the coach didn’t leave  Montserrat at the agreed time (the fault of our little group), which meant that by the time we got to the city the streets were closed for the parade, which made us even later.

That brings us to dinner, an included one, where I decide to buy a bourbon and coke. The girl at the bar looks like she’s new, unsure of what she’s doing. When she pours the bourbon in, she keeps pouring, and pouring, and pouring, then eventually she stops and adds a little coke. Lucky it’s a strong drink, because I need it once she tells me the price (after she asks someone):  it’s 9 euros. But they give me a little saucer of nuts to go with it.

I take it back to the table and offer the nuts around and Aurora teases me about getting drunk when I tell how much bourbon they put in.

We’d made our menu selections earlier and I have salmon for main course, which is quite nice, a small portion, just right after all the food I’ve eaten in the last few days. Lots of people, however, complain about the meal, as the spaghetti they chose was pretty tasteless. I leave most of them still sitting at the table, hoping for an extra course, while I retire to my room to write.

Madrid and Toledo

8 May 2014

I’m rather pleased with my French skills. More and more words come back to me  from my school-girl French lessons and I think I communicate rather well when buying stuff and even helping other people buy stuff. But I’m dismayed this morning when I realise I can forget French for a few days and start to learn Spanish.

Aurora, sitting next to me, is Latin-American, so she schools me this morning with some basic phrases. Some of them we know from cartoons, and some I learnt from South Americans (Patricio & Julio) that I used to work with at Pizza Hut when I was a student. So I can say good morning, good afternoon, good evening, hello, please, thank you, sorry, and I can ask for water, white coffee and the toilet. And I can count to 10.

We leave the hotel at 8:30 this morning and have been on the road ever since, except for a morning tea stop and a lunch stop, both at servos.

Unlike the almost constantly flat landscape we saw in France, we pass hills and mountains in Spain. Still it’s very green, and we see alternately wooded hills and farmed fields, with the occasional rocky outcrop. Every so often we pass through tunnels under mountains, the road itself remaining relatively flat. Sometimes we pass valleys filled with tidy industrial areas. We also see lots of wind farms lined up along ridges.

We have wifi working on the bus, but it’s very patchy. I enjoy the fruit and pistachios that I picked up at the market yesterday.

It’s been a warm day and we approach Madrid late afternoon and check in at our hotel. Nothing really remarkable about the city so far, but we’re going out to look around this evening. The room is barely big enough to swing a door, let alone a cat, but it is cosy and comfortable. I jump in the shower as soon as I get to my room. Luckily I’ve kept some undies in my hand luggage so I can at least put new underwear on while I wait for my bag. (Pffeeew, I know you don’t want to think about that.) It’s still not there when I finish my shower, so I get dressed, don’t worry about shoes, and pad barefoot out to the lift to hunt it down.

A young Spanish porter is lugging suitcases out of the lift and lining them up against the wall. He asks me to watch my feet as he lines them up against the wall, or at least I’m guessing that’s what he says. I keep thinking he’ll pull my bag out next, but it’s not there and he goes back down for another load. When he unloads the lift again, still my bag’s not there.

“Your room number?” he asks me.

“Siz, zzzzero, siz” I tell him.

He goes down again and finally, next time the lift opens he emerges with my bag.

“Gracias!” I exclaim, and he laughs as he unloads the remainder.

The main boulevard in Madrid is wide, treelined and we repeatedly pass fountains with statues. There’s Christopher Columbus of course. Ashley points out magnificent buildings, which I’m less impressed with now that I’ve seen London, Oxford and Paris. But they are lovely. Everywhere there seems to be polizio – mostly young men in fluoro yellow shirts that we’d mistake for construction workers in Australia, except that they are young, handsome and neat, and wear caps, and seem to enjoy hanging casually around town in groups of 3 or 4.

We come to a truly beautiful white building that takes my breath away. There are people milling around on a veranda up high and I’m stunned when Ashley tells us that it was originally the Post Office, though now it is a hotel. Apparently Spain has had great wealth in the past, when many beautiful buildings were built, but right now it is in serious recession. We don’t see much evidence of recession. There are people everywhere, especially later in the evening (and the next evening) where they sit at cafe tables on the street drinking glasses of wine.

We get off the bus and walk to Plaza Mayora, the main square in Madrid. It’s surrounded by beautiful buildings, one of which is painted with murals of naked men and women, in weird positions, some with tails and horns, the men with velvety-looking penises. These paintings fascinate me. I keep going back to gaze at them, though we have very little time.

In the middle of the square is a monument with galloping horses, wonderful to stand under and look up at. Someone offers to take a photo of me with them. The people on the tour are great like that. They frequently offer to take photos for the people who have come on their own.

There is an unusual modern building that isn’t mentioned by the tour guide, but it commands attention. I found out the next day that it was built in the 70s or 80s (can’t remember which) but the man who built it ran out of money. I find that there are many buildings like this in Madrid, some of which remain empty due lack of money to complete the inside. The local tour guide obviously dislikes the building that I ask about. She says, with disgust, that it reminds her of the end of a power plug.

The traffic is heavy that night in Madrid. It gives us plenty of opportunity to look at the monuments and fountains. The huge railway station, with a metal structure, was designed by the same architect who designed the Eiffel Tower.

By the time we arrive late at the restaurant I’m feeling tired, and am sure my eyes are bloodshot. We’re shown downstairs to a long room shaped like the inside of a galleon, and lined in timber – a great ambience. I have a huge bowl of gazpacho for starters which is delicious. By the time the paella arrives, I’m just about full, which doesn’t bother me, because the paella was pretty ordinary, so I ate just a little.

The highlight of the night was when 3 musicians burst in, playing guitars and mandolins, singing heartily. They are shamelessly dressed in little pantaloons and navy stockings, and are clearly enjoying showing off their skills. We cheer and clap and they pass out 2 tambourines that people play with varying skill. Aurora and Mayra (also a Spanish speaker) stand up and dance at the back and make requests for Spanish songs. Jenny knows one of the tunes and sings along in English.

Next they bring in a table and place on it a large cake covered in meringue. They pour alcohol over, turn the lights out and light it with a flourish. Everyone is quite hearty by now and there is more cheering. The ice-cream cake is taken away and served up and CDs are offered for sale. I love their singing, such a happy sound, so I buy one to take home, having it signed by one of the musicians.

Friday 9 May

The next day a local guide boards the bus to show us the sights of Madrid. Julia talks incessantly and is not as easy to listen to, or to understand as Agatha was in Paris, and she definitely doesn’t have Agatha’s sense of humour. However, she has a wealth of knowledge and I pick up on snippets of it. Madrid has a varying architecture resulting from Spanish and Arabic influences over the centuries. The traffic is heavy again and we see many of the monuments and fountains by daylight that we’d seen last night. I am once again full of wonder at the beauty of the Post Office building.

We stop at a large square and get out briefly to explore. I think Julia said there’s a tract of forest from here all the way to Toledo.

Toledo is our next excursion. It’s about an hour’s trip and Julia talks almost the whole way. The scenery is not attractive. We see the word “muebles” on many signs on buildings. It means “furniture” and furniture-making is a popular industry along this stretch. There are also junk yards, like huge parking lots, not as untidy as our junk yards, and near them, huge mounds of crushed metal. Julia points out wheat fields. But they are not like the vast rolling wheat fields of Australia. Groups of apartments or townhouses are interspersed amongst them, “villages” as Julia calls them. There are also many industrial buildings. Occasionally we see a huge silhouette of a bull, mounted high on a hill, facing the highway. These were originally advertising for wine, but it became illegal to advertise next to freeways. (How good is that!) The company got away with painting them black and leaving them there. Occasionally we’d see patches of wild red poppies either running across the edges of the fields or along the highway. It’s a hot day and the sun beams in through the broad windows of the bus. We are weary of travelling, and of Julia’s voice, as we approach Toledo.

Toledo is a very old city, dating back to the Roman times (I think) and it has evolved with the history of Spain. There are architectural influences from the Spanish people and also from Arabic people who invaded at some stage. The streets are so narrow that cars can’t get through them, and certainly not big tourist coaches. Outside the city there are huge parking lots where people leave their cars.

One of the early buildings of Toledo is a castle. It’s an ideal position, because the fast-flowing river loops almost entirely around it, forming a natural moat. Large stone walls are built across the areas not surrounded by river. The population of Toledo is fast decreasing. There are strict building laws, such that, while people are allowed to build, they can only do so in keeping with the old city. It’s so inconvenient to live there that people are leaving in droves, and it is mainly old people who have grown up there that remain.

A road suitable for coaches circles the city and Julia tries to prepare us for the view as she talks in superlatives. When we stop and look, we are nonetheless filled with awe, looking at the amazing stone buildings all built close to each other. Here, I pull out my iPad to get a photo for Facebook.

The coach then takes us to the gates and we go up escalators into the city. Parts of the city are centuries old, other parts more recent, but it is difficult to tell which is which, due to the strict building laws. We start in a “square” which is quite small for a square, then wander through a maze of narrow cobbled alleyways past, you guessed it, souvenir shops and restaurants. This area is famous for a particular type of craft, with very pretty gold-stamped metal made into plates, earrings, chess boards etc. When the tour finishes, Steve and I go find a restaurant to eat in and manage to communicate via charades that we want to share a plate of paella. We have a little time for shopping, with Steve tempted by knights in armour on horses, and me by gold dangly earrings. We don’t buy either though. I am so indecisive. Steve dashes off to look at more shops. Julia counts everyone and decides we’re all there, but I know Steve is missing. Luckily though, he arrives before we leave the square – he’d found some fans to buy.

Returning to Madrid city centre, we are offered the option to spend more time in the city or return to the hotel, which I do. It’s lovely to have some quiet time to check emails, shower, and get dressed ready to go out again.

In the evening we go to a tapas restaurant. The wine is bad so I opt for Sangria, and the food is good. We begin with baby lettuces and slices of tomato with dressing. We have croquettes, potato pancakes, small servings of fried fish, salt & pepper calamari, chicken and at last, a really good paella. It comes in a huge pan and is  I’m sure there are other dishes too that I can’t remember, but I am totally stuffed by the end of it and unable to eat the fruit dessert (which isn’t terribly exciting.) By the time we finish dinner, Madrid is beginning to liven up and the streets and restaurants are filled with people. (We were told that people don’t eat until very late in Spain.) Some people from our tour decide to go walking but I opt out – I was ready for bed.


7 May 2014

We arrive in Lourdes late afternoon, a small town as far as permanent population goes, but with a tremendous stream of pilgrims constantly passing through. Although it’s been a fantastic day, driving from Bordeaux, via the seaside town of Biarritz, a walk around Biarritz, buying utterly delicious strawberries at the market, and pistachios to eat along the way, then a superb 3 course lunch near the ocean with 5 other people from the Tour Group: a traditional Basque salad, poached salmon followed by creme caramel, in spite of all this I’m not feeling overly cheerful, because I left my phone, with 2 credit cards, my licence and my Qantas card on the shelf of the toilet in the restaurant. Merde!

All is not lost. At least I have my iPad, and another credit card in the money purse I sling around my neck, tuck down my singlet and into the top of my jeans to protrude ungracefully over my already protruding tummy. It doesn’t work, this money-purse bullshit, with a backpack for the less valuable items. I need a handbag!

Another slice of luck (maybe I could call it good management, even though leaving my phone there is ridiculously stupid), when I couldn’t find it in my backpack, I remembered where I’d left it. It was such a convenient shelf to pop it on and I remember thinking I wish other toilets had such useful shelves. Then I rushed to catch the bus, and got distracted trying to tuck away the stupid money purse. And another slice of luck: I didn’t take the receipt with me, so I couldn’t look up the name of the restaurant, but one of the guys I was with had taken a photo of the restaurant and we could see it was called Bar de Napsomething, and one of the girls said it was Napoleon. To cut a long story a bit shorter, it has been located and should make its way back to me in about a week. I’m going to try and forget about it until then.

Soon after arriving at Lourdes, we set off down the street following our Tour Director, who had a microphone, while we all had little red walkie-talkies slung around our necks and turquoise earpieces in our ears. Along the way were various souvenir shops, bars, souvenir shops, chemists, souvenir shops, hotels, and souvenir shops.

We turned up a narrow lane, lined, totally, with souvenir shops. In them were various sizes of statues of the Virgin Mary, medals, rosary beads, other beads and bracelets, bottles to collect Lourdes water, and ubiquitous candles in ever bigger sizes. At Lourdes, the size of your candle matters.

The crowd are a mixed bunch. There are regular tourists like us, walking around with tour insignia, trailing each other. Then there are the pilgrims wishing for a miracle. Some of them are being pulled in little carts by people dressed as nurses, in white with little white caps, (essentially porters in fancy dress), some of whom look almost like they should be sitting in the cart. Usually someone else equally old but apparently less infirm tags along holding the back of the cart. Then there are people with bright yellow scarves belonging to pilgrim tours. I spot some with white scarves, too. There’s even a snake line of schoolchildren, one carrying a banner, leading the way.

The end of the alley opens to a square and overlooking the square is a majestic grey-stoned church with brightly coloured frescos on the front of it. At our end of the square, perched high above a rose garden is a statue of the Virgin Mary, representing how she appeared to Bernadette. People with yellow scarves look adoringly up at her, some of them tucking bunches of flowers into the fence.

From one of the souvenir shops blasts “Ave ave ave Maria” just like we used to sing at church. Suddenly in my head I can hear Mum’s voice singing it next to me and I no longer feel like laughing about the tackiness of it all. Instead I feel sad for the faith and trust and longing and hope that brings these desperate people to Lourdes wishing for a miracle.

Further along, by the side of the church is the grotto itself, where people are lining up to shuffle in and out touching the walls as they go. Of course, there’s another statue of the Virgin Mary residing in there.

I leave the group and climb the steps to the church. Inside are brightly painted frescoes, with gilded  decorations. There is also an altar where you can light a candle. Used to love to do that when I was a kid, though I’m not sure if the motivation was piety or playing with fire and melting wax.

Looking down the square from the top of the steps, a castle opposes the church in the distance. The castle, I hear, was there long before the church.

I duck into a souvenir shop, vacillating about whether or not to buy something religious for a friend, but feeling a bit fake about it. A couple of shops along I find a travel bag, and I buy it, a little candle and a box of matches. I’m going to come back tonight for the candlelight procession and relive a religious festival of my childhood.

On the way back to the hotel, I see a new level of tackiness. Like a little toy animated merry-go-round, an invalid cart runs around a circular track, as music plays. Jen, a girl from the tour looks at it at the same time, then turns to me, shaking her head with disgust. “That’s just wrong,” she says.

Dinner takes longer than expected, but there is still plenty of time to get back to the square before the procession at 9pm. On the way a gypsy man sits pathetically on the pavement, cuddling a little boy, shaking a plastic cup and looking pleadingly at passersby. I think about whether I have loose coins handy but think better of it. About 100 yards further down I am surprised to find what looks like the same man and boy sitting on the pavement in exactly the same position. Now I look around me and notice a gypsy boy and gypsy girl not far behind me. I cut over to the other side of the road and they casually do the same. I stop, turn and look at them, and they are looking at me too. After that, I keep a close lookout but don’t see them again.

There are hundreds of people milling about, most with lighted candles with paper shields. I pull out my candle, unwrap it, and light it with my box of matches with, you guessed it, a picture of Our Lady on the box. Two latecomers with unlit candles come and light theirs off mine.

The service begins. Someone speaks in French, then there’s a reading in English, then in another language. The parade of invalids begins: carts mostly pulled by one person, with another behind, dressed as a nurse, the invalid sitting unobtrusively inside, a blanket over their knees. They pour out of a side road, hundreds of them it seems. They start singing Ave Maria, raising their candles as they sing the chorus.

The walking infirm follow, then the general crowd, including me, surges forward to join the procession. They process down a loop like a racetrack, with readings emanating from the speakers along the way, interspersed with decades of the rosary in French and more renditions of the Ave Maria.

I see Nada and Mayra from our tour group. Mayra confides to me that it’s 32 years since she was last here, when she came with her mother. The girls sing the Ave, then Mayra steps up the gutter to take photos, then joins the procession again. I do likewise, asking Nada to hold my candle while I take a photo. My candle sets light to her paper shield, and she quickly shakes and extinguishes it.

I look for a way to cut across the track so I don’t have to do the full loop, but realise that if I do that I’ll end up amongst the invalids in carts, so I keep going. The procession intermittently stops and starts. Some children are walking along the left gutter and seem to be moving faster, so I fall in behind them until I can eventually leave and return back to the hotel.

NZ Travel Blog: Episode 2

Days 3 and 4 North to Kaikoura then Picton

Days 3 and 4 brought stunning scenery along the north east coast, and entertainment from seals and nervous demolition workers.

Colin was sleeping so soundly I didn’t want to wake him, so it was 8am before we really woke. We took our time then headed off. Decided to take the road out to Le Bons Bay. The road was similar to the other road out to Akaroa, winding around grassy mountains, a few patches of dark green vegetation and pine trees. We passed some with strange square or rhomboid plots of pine forest, and places where a forest had been razed from the mountain, but otherwise they were treeless beige-coloured grassy slopes. Curiously, the guard rails were mostly made of timber, which wouldn’t have a hope of stopping a car. If you rolled, you’d go a long way down.

The colours thus far have been muted, with an emphasis on greys and silvers. The beach at Le Bons Bay was silver-grey, with an emerald green sea. Just a row of houses, an oval and tennis courts, a swing made by a stick tied in the middle by a rope hanging from a tree, and a sheep grazing by the side of the road. A great holiday place for kids, as long as there were other kids to play with.

We travelled north to Kaikoura. For much of the way the road was inland, until a little before Kaikoura it ran along the coast, with just enough room between the mountains and the ocean for the road and a railway track. We made camp at another Top Ten caravan park. There’s lots of them in NZ, it seems. Typically, they are filled with wall to wall campervans and European travellers, but have great facilities – a heated pool, generous kitchen and dining facilities, barbecues, and clean, if unglamorous, amenities blocks. This particular one backed onto the heliport and the railway line, and we could hear heavy vehicles moving around the other side of the fence.

Kaikoura is supposed to be the place to go for whale watch tours. But when we checked it out, the only tour available the next day was at 4pm, and the forecast was for rain and wind. We decided to give it a miss and move on the next day, but some other travellers told us we should at least see the seals out on the point. One of the travellers I’d spoken to while cooking at the barbeque was a German girl with no German accent whatsoever, who was currently living in Melbourne and working as a vet nurse. She claimed she had no accent because she’d been travelling for so long, and she had an Aussie boyfriend.

After dinner, we walked into town, just in time for a dusky sunset on the dark grey beach. The enchanting thing about the town is the way the mountains meet the ocean. When we arrived, there was cloud obscuring the top of the mountain, but for just a little while it cleared and we glimpsed the top. The beach was made of grey pebbles, alternately coarse, then a band of finer gravel, then pebbles again before dropping steeply to the water, which was low tide.

Afterwards we strolled through town, past a restaurant with live music, a pub and a convenience store still open, but mostly quiet, shops shut.

Day 4 To Picton and Waikara Bay

We made an earlier start today. When we went to go for the peninsular walk, we were pleased to find we could drive to the point to see the seal colony. One fur seal thought he was a one-seal circus, posing for photos, stretching his neck and twisting it around, then swinging his head right around to rummage in his hide. More seals lazed on the rocks. A brick path wound to the top of the peninsular and we took the walk to the top, and were rewarded with amazing views in three directions.

After coffee in town we hit the road north. Along the way we saw interesting rock formations and more seals lazing amongst them. We stopped for a walk along a track through rainforest that ran by a creek and finished at a waterfall. Apparently, in winter, seal pups frolic in the waterfall, but not now.

For some inexplicable reason we both felt tired, even though we’d slept well. We pulled over and swapped drivers until we stopped at a picnic spot by the roadside to make a sandwich for lunch.

We were on the lookout for a home wares shop to buy a thermos and some better pillows and the first thing we saw when we reached Blenheim was a home wares shop. When we pulled into the car park we watched with interest as, next door, a team of workers prepared to demolish a large H beam that had previously been part of a house. A driver on a bucket excavator jerked the claw around, attempting to position it under the beam to support it. Another guy wheeled oxy gear under the beam to the other side. He started up the flame of the oxy torch and climbed onto a work platform attached to a huge forklift. Another fellow raised him up next to one end of the beams. He then tried to cut the H-beam with the oxy torch, jumping back nervously each time it sparked.

I went into the home wares shop and left Colin to watch them. I was thrilled to pick up two lovely big firm pillows and a thermos, all of which were on special.

By the time I came out, a fellow and a woman dressed in office clothes, but wearing hi-vis vests and hard hats had joined the workmen. There was some serious discussion between them, then all workers left and went somewhere out of our sight. The claw of the excavator was still poised under the beam. We decided they must have been safety inspectors or council inspectors. Who knows? The work team were probably relieved – we certainly were – as they didn’t look at all confident.

Only once during the day was there a spattering of rain on the windscreen. The sky alternated between cloudy and blue, and now, camped in a much quieter park at Waikara Bay, near Picton, it’s somewhere in between. This time we avoided the Top Ten Park and found an alternative, which I had seen advertised by the side of the road.

We are surrounded by mountains, (or steep hills), but this time they are covered in greenery. From our campsite, we can see a glimpse of the waters of the bay. Somewhere out there, north of us, is the North Island. Now there is a choir of crickets or cicadas singing their hearts out in the field next to us.


NZ Travel Blog: Episode 1

In February, 2013, a friend and I traveled around the south island of New Zealand for two weeks in a basic campervan . Here’s the first of thirteen episodes of my travel blog. Get to know me as I describe the places we went, the things we did and the people we met.

Day 2 Sunday Swimming with the Dolphins

What an amazing day – Day 2 in NZ. Today we swam with the dolphins.

The day before, Colin and I had flown into Christchurch and picked up our campervan – a Toyota Hi Ace van, which ran on diesel, had a bubble fibreglass roof, a bed in the back and a basic kitchen. We’d bought supplies, picked up NZ simcards and settled into our home for the next two weeks.

Before we’d left home, I’d chosen a van park on the outskirts of Christchurch at Spencerville, near a beach, so we didn’t have far to go on our first night. I’d also booked a dolphin-watching cruise at Akaroa for the following day.

We drove from Spencerville out along Banks Peninsula, the road weaving around grassy mountainsides, until we came to stunning views of the harbour as we neared Akaroa. The town was teeming with tourists, and we had to park up the hill away from the main street, having just enough time to wander down and report for the cruise.

Colin was disappointed that I’d only booked a cruise, rather than the swim with the dolphins. We checked in, and asked if we could upgrade to swim with the dolphins. Yes! Colin raced back up the hill to get our swimmers and towels, while I paid the extra money. There were only two spaces left and it was nearing time to leave. I watched anxiously for Colin’s return.

Alas! Before he arrived, someone in the other office booked those last two spots just before us.

“What would you like to do?” the girl doing the booking asked me. “You can wait and go on the 3:30 swim with the dolphins if you like, or you can just do the one o’clock cruise.”  Knowing Colin had rushed up in the heat (it was a very warm day), I wasn’t sure what he’d want to do. He arrived, sweating and puffing, when I gave him the options. I had to wait a few breaths before he answered. “Go on the 3:30 one,” he managed to say between breaths.

So we wandered off the wharf, taking our time now, back along the main drag past crowded restaurants. Colin had ditched his shoes at the van, figuring he wouldn’t need them on the cruise. The footpath was searing his feet, so we went looking for a pair of thongs – jandels in kiwispeak – in the gift shops lining the roadways. There were steep, grassy hills behind the town, a flat strip two blocks wide along the water packed with cafes, eating houses, gift shops and people. A jetty reached out into the water, timber shops painted dark blue along its length. The water was Caribbean blue and it was a sparkling day. A cruise ship and a handful of sailing boats could be seen in the distance.

We tramped the length of town in the heat, looking for jandels big enough for Col’s feet. We found a bright torquoise pair in a surf shop for a ridiculous price but bought them anyway to save Col’s blistering soles.

The only piece of shade in town was under a tree next to the water. We sat in the gutter and ate ice creams. Across the road, his bottom half obscured by a car bonnet, I could see a young man, shirtless, juggling three balls. It was not a brilliant act – that’s about all he did. He didn’t have a big frame, but his abs rippled as he leant back and balanced the balls. Someone walked close by and bent down near him and he dropped a ball and ran after it. That’s when we realised he was busking, it was his act, not just something he was doing randomly amongst the crowds. I focused in on his chest and noticed he had quite a good six-pack, though he didn’t seem especially well built in other ways. We sat and watched him from a distance for so long that I felt obliged to dig out a coin. We crossed the road and I dropped two dollars on the cloth at his feet. True to form, he was so surprised he dropped the balls again and had to run after them as he called his thanks.

We found a larger patch of shade near the wharf and sprawled on the grass while I worked out how to get Col’s waterproof camera to take photos. I succeeded and showed him how to do it.

Finally it was time for our cruise. We went back to the wharf for a briefing. There were a bunch of older people with English accents joking amongst themselves. For the first time ever, I hauled on a wetsuit and rubber bootees. We were sweltering in the heat and the guy doing the briefing asked us to go outside once we were sorted so that he could work out who still needed help. Outside the sun was bearing down on the black rubber. One of the other guides looked at the older people struggling with the heat and told them to go back inside out of the sun.

When everyone was geared up, they took us outside again and split us into two groups. We just made it into the first group and boarded a flat-bottomed boat with clear plastic curtains down the sides. A tall healthy-looking man named Ross introduced himself as the skipper and went through safety procedures. He passed us over to Lyn, a girl with cornflower blue eyes, which lit up when she spoke about the dolphins. Lyn told us we only swim with the dolphins if the dolphins look as though they want to play. They are Hector dolphins, the smallest type, and are quite rare. Their fins are more rounded than most, like Mickey Mouse ears. We needed to watch out for them, to help them find them.

We zoomed across the harbour, bouncing over the waves, and passed two cruise ships. Other than that, there were just a few sailing boats on the water. It was relatively calm when we started out, and gradually became choppy. We were still sweltering in our wetsuits and I pulled mine back off my shoulders to cool down.

We saw a flock of birds on the water, and soon after the boat slowed up and slewed around. They had spotted some dolphins. We stopped near them and they shot past us, cut back and came past again. There were about three dolphins to begin with. We watched for a while, trying to take snapshots as they surfaced.

“OK, folks, it’s looking good. Let’s go over,” Lyn announced. Everyone hastened to put down cameras and zip up wetsuits. I got Colin to zip me and climbed down the steps, pushing off into the ocean before I realised I hadn’t reciprocated. I looked back to the boat to see Lyn zipping him up.

We were warned the water would be cold and I could feel it on my hands, but the rest of my body was warm. My bootees were loose and when I tried to swim normally my feet rose up behind me and I couldn’t kick, so I just waved my arms about to move, and kept treading water with my feet. There was no problem with buoyancy, we just floated. We saw some dolphins swimming past, keeping a distance, but checking us out. I tapped the snorkel and goggles with a repeated rhythm, as Lyn had suggested we do, and they seemed to come closer when I did. But it could be because of the other people, who were singing into their snorkels, as was also suggested. They nosed around us repeatedly, sometimes shooting past quite close. There were at least three pods of dolphins playing around us, with three to four dolphins in each pod. Two of the girls in the group squealed with delight as they came within about a metre of them.

I’d been worried I’d be scared out there, as I once had a premonition that I would meet my death by drowning. But it wasn’t frightening, it was exciting. The boat was nearby, other people were nearby, and the dolphins were so cute – a lovely soft grey, graceful and playful, teasing us by being daring and coming close, then dashing off. There were small waves blowing across the surface, as the wind whipped up. I was just entranced, not even aware of the cold.

After about 40 minutes we were called back to the boat. Waterlogged, I hauled myself up the steps, feeling like a clumsy seal on land, though I’m not sure that I was graceful in the water, either. Lyn handed us cups of hot chocolate – just what we needed. The boat skipped across the surface of the water back to the wharf, where we had quick hot communal showers and changed back into dry clothes.

Famished, we bought fish & chips, the best I can remember. Crisp battered blue-eyed cod and crunchy salty chips. Delish!

Just out of town and up the hill was the Top Ten caravan park with wonderful views over the bay. When we first arrived the park was dominated by people talking loudly in front of their cabin, which overlooked our campsite.

Now it’s dark and quiet, conversations distant, most people either in bed or setting up. The air is growing cooler and soon it’ll be too cold to sit out here any longer. There are a few stars overhead, and an occasional noisy sliding door grating and slamming. Must be time for a long hot shower and curl up into bed. Oh yeah, it’s ten o’clock.

Change Management: Cutting the Babble

Changes for Business Structure

With all the jargon around about Change Management, it can be hard to find straight-shooting practical advice. Essentially, change management is about making (usually large) improvements to an organisation in a structured (as opposed to haphazard or chaotic,) way. Putting it simply, there are three key elements for successful Change Management: planning, consultation, and communication.

Your Business Goal

With planning, you first need to define your goal, or “vision.” What will the organisation look and feel like once the change has occurred? What are the expected benefits of change?

Mapping your Business

Next step is to understand how things are currently done. You need to map out your current processes. This may be tedious, but it is essential when getting from one place to another. How can you reach your destination without first working out where you are? Don’t map out the way you think things are done. Get out and ask the people who do it, to make sure you understand.

Involve Your Staff

Now the fun, creative part begins. Map out what you’d like your processes to be. Brainstorm all your crazy ideas. This is a great chance to involve your people. Talk to them about your vision, inspire them, and gather their ideas. You don’t have to use all ideas, but seriously consider each one. You may be surprised and inspired yourself. If you are working in a large organisation, you won’t be able to involve everyone, but be sure to involve at least some of the people from each area who will be directly affected.

After selecting the best ideas (realistically someone has to make a decision and take the lead), outline the way you expect your processes to run once the change has occurred. Be very specific. Think about each task that people will need to do in your “new world” and map them out. Think not just about daily operational tasks, but also occasional tasks. Think through the practicalities of each task and think about the things that could go wrong. Put estimates on how long you think these tasks should take to perform. In the new world there should be less to do, it should be easier to work, or there should be substantial added value from the way things are done. Make sure that your new process covers everything that is done currently.

Take your new process map and consult again with the people who will be doing the tasks. Check that your processes are sensible and achievable. I have seen brand new plants designed by engineers where operators had to load materials on one side of the machine then walk the length of the line to get to the other side where the control panel was located, to start the line. Be prepared to make changes and be open to new ideas.

Plan for Change

Create a plan for the transition. Inevitably some things need to be done before others. Presumably you can’t close your business down one day and start it up changed and revitalised the next, so you may have to stage changes or run concurrent systems for a while until you have remedied the bugs in the new system.

Some people make the mistake of making momentous changes throughout the organisation all at once. Unless you’ve made similar changes many times before, don’t believe you’re that smart. There’s a good chance it could turn into momentous failure. Running smaller pilots, or staging and stabilising changes before implementing the next, allows you to sort issues that you hadn’t thought of, so that the next stage runs smoothly. Running a pilot helps you manage the risk if things don’t go according to plan.

Implement and Communicate

When you are ready to start implementing changes, communicate to all who will be involved or affected. Call them together, present your vision, explain the benefits, and explain how you came to the plan of action. Ask for their support to make things better. If enough people were consulted in the planning stage, they are likely to support you even if you don’t go with all their ideas. If you haven’t been able to involve people earlier, at least communicate at this stage. They are much less likely to feel threatened if they understand what is happening. See if you can involve them now, listen to their concerns, and respond to them. Ensure you have adequate documentation and that you train your teams how to use the new systems. Make sure they know how to use them properly and check that the training was effective.

For change management, consultation and communication with the people who will be affected will reap tremendous rewards. You’ll create a better plan, make less mistakes that you’ll have to undo, have their support when implementing and have a much better result.

Like some help or advice regarding change management? Call me: Rosemary O’Donoghue 0419 24 3636 or email me rosemary.odonoghue@gmail.com

Going Lean: the First Step

Where do you start your Lean program? Most Lean practitioners would agree that you need to start by engaging people. How to engage people, however, may depend on the situation, and the driver for change. One thing that is clear, however, is that you can’t streamline processes and reduce waste if you don’t know what your processes are. If you think that process mapping may not seem too exciting in terms of engaging people, think again. While I would not suggest going down the path of complete Value Stream Mapping as an initial action, a simpler identification of processes and tasks can yield some quick (and big) wins.

Creating a flow chart or a structured list of tasks is a great way to involve people. They don’t feel pressured or defensive because you are simply asking them to tell you what they do. Your key question is: What tasks do you do? Often they find it rewarding, because they suddenly see how much they do, as well as gaining an appreciation of the skills they have. If you ask that question of every person (or a sampling of each role if you have several people fulfilling the same role), you not only involve everyone, but you also capture everything that expends effort. Using the results you can map out processes and tasks. Suddenly you can see how the organisation works.

Waste frequently occurs because people cannot see the big picture of how the business functions. They may be doing redundant tasks, or redundant steps in a task, simply because “that’s how we’ve always done it.” Most likely things have changed, the organisation has evolved and no one has stood back and looked at whether “the way we do things” is still appropriate. This attitude is particularly prevalent in organisations with longstanding loyal employees, but it can also occur because habits have been passed on to new employees, who haven’t enough experience to question them.

Once you have the big picture, you can start work on seeing where the value lies, where the bottlenecks are, and, best of all, how you can improve the way the organisation works, as well as improving individual processes.

Call me for help in mapping out your processes. Rosemary O’Donoghue +61 (0) 412 302 055 or email me: rosemary.odonoghue@gmail.com

Why do you need procedures for your business?

What are some of the reasons you need procedures? Be honest. Is it because:

• You need them to meet legal, regulatory or accreditation requirements

• Your business is a jumble. You’re not sure who’s doing what or how

• When new people start you don’t know how you need to train them

• Everyone does the same job in different ways and you know not all of them are the best way

• You want to lean up your business, cut costs and unnecessary work

• There are too many stuff-ups and you want to prevent them

• You want to be able to sell your business and you need to show how it operates

• You want to see what you’re doing that adds the most value and focus on that

•Experienced people are leaving and taking their knowledge out the door

• You want to highlight hazards to improve safety or minimise incidents

Whatever your reason, the path to clarity and order is the same. Read my Methodology page, followed by Methodology articles for more detail or call or email for help +61 (0)419 24 3636 or rosemary.odonoghue@gmail.com

Thoroughly risk-assess your workplace

You have the job of ensuring risk assessments are performed for the business. Where do you start, and where do you finish? The trick is to start with a helicopter view, then follow down to the detail, similar to the process you use to map out procedures.

Workcover divides hazards into 5 categories:

  • physical – noise, radiation, light, vibration
  • chemical – poisons, dusts
  • biological – viruses, plants, parasites
  • mechanical/electrical – slips, trips and falls, tools, electrical equipment
  • psychological – fatigue, violence, bullying

I’d like to add a 6th category: environmental impact. For this one, however, rather than looking at whether our employees are safe, we look at protecting the earth and all the other people who inhabit it. This is usually an important component of any company’s risk management strategy, and is often monitored by government and regulatory bodies.

What we are going to do now is work our way down from a big picture view to a detailed analysis of risk. At every stage we consider all the possible hazards.

You can start by looking at your environment and determining if you have any of these hazards. It’s not difficult. What sort of climate are you in? Are you sheltered from the weather, the extremes of hot or cold or wet or dehydration, or wind and storms, or floods and tidal waves? Is there sufficient oxygen and is the air free from dust and chemicals? Are you protected from animals and pests or violence from humans? (Is your plant in a war zone?) Are you positioned near a cliff, or a river or unstable land or buildings, or in an earthquake zone? Hopefully you’ve selected a worksite without severe environmental hazards. Whilst these seem pretty obvious, if you are accustomed to living in a dangerous environment, it is possible to overlook these hazards and the need to control them for your employees. Also, is positioning the business here going to cause significant environmental impact?

Look at your premises. Are they fit for purpose? Are there any potential hazards associated with them? Have they been built safely? Are the construction materials safe and unlikely to harbour pests or bacteria? Is the flooring even and easily cleaned, but not slippery? Is there adequate lighting? Are there any unguarded holes or ditches or confined spaces? Is there adequate space to move around equipment? Are heights and stairs well-guarded? Are walkways marked and pedestrians separated from mobile equipment? Are large vessels built and maintained to ensure they contain materials, and bunded to contain potential leaks or leaching of chemicals by rainwater?

Many companies don’t specifically evaluate how their human resources policies impact on risk, but they are crucial in not only managing risk in this age of increasing litigation, but also in maintaining a positive workplace, which has all sorts of benefits to the company. Evaluate your policies and company culture. Do you have well-communicated company values? Do you have a clear and enforced policy on discrimination and sexual harassment? Do you expect your employees to be courteous to other employees and suppliers as well as to customers? Do you look after your employees, provide thorough training, encourage a work-life balance, monitor and discourage regular long hours and show they are appreciated? Is the workplace clean and aesthetically pleasing? Do you provide adequate facilities? Do you spread the workload to minimise stress?

The next step is to evaluate all of your equipment. This is nice and straightforward, too, although it may be tedious. Take an inventory of all plant, equipment and materials in your workplace, and I mean all. Include simple tools, raw materials, however harmless they may seem, and utilities such as power, water, steam, gas and sewer. Now you can look at each one of them in turn. Are moving parts and pinchpoints on machines well-guarded? Are noise, dust, chemicals, radiation and harmful biological materials contained? Are tools in good order and not likely to snap or slip? Is piping appropriate for the chemical being carried and in good order? Is regular maintenance scheduled to ensure equipment remains in good order?

Many people feel that risk assessment is complete at this stage, but can you see why this is not effective? Most incidents do not occur when people are just standing in a workplace, minding their own business. Most incidents are the result of actions, when people are performing the jobs. So to thoroughly assess risks you need to evaluate potential hazards from working in the business, actually doing the job. To do this, you need to know all of the tasks and all of the steps for each task. In other words, you need to have thorough, written procedures before you can do a thorough risk assessment.

Following your procedures you consider the likely hazards associated with performing each step. This is where most manual handling hazards occur, which is not explicitly covered in the hazard groups. When assessing hazards associated with performing tasks, you also need to consider what can go wrong and the instinctive reactions that may occur. For example, if something is about to fall, people instinctively reach to catch it, even if it is too heavy for them or red-hot. Consider instinctive responses such as if machinery jams or materials are caught. How many workplace injuries have occurred when material has jammed in poorly guarded machines and someone has reached in to clear it?

Once your risk assessment for each procedure has been completed, and you have decided on controls, you then need to highlight the hazards and write the controls into your procedures. Unfortunately this means you need to write your procedures, perform risk assessments, then revise procedures. This is not such a bad thing, because in doing so you can improve both your risk management and your processes.

Remember, for thorough, realistic risk assessments you not only need to identify hazards in the workplace, you need to define every task that is being done and evaluate the risks associated with performing every step of every task, considering what could go wrong at every step. Write your procedures and apply risk management to each one, then rewrite procedures incorporating controls. And ensure you revise your risk assessments and your procedures if any changes are made to processes.

For help with writing procedures, read my book, call me on +61(0)412 302055 or email me at: rosemary@techwriting.net.au

What procedures do you really need?

Sometimes it is tricky to work out what procedures are really needed. Some companies go so overboard that the procedures become laughable. For example, do you need a procedure on how to use a wheelbarrow? Well, what are you carrying in the wheelbarrow, and what are the expected skills of the person using the wheelbarrow? If you employ an experienced gardener, and it is not used to transport anything hazardous, it is reasonable to expect that people can use it safely and without too much instruction. Given general manual handling training and common sense, a procedure for using a wheelbarrow would not be necessary. Do you need a procedure on how to make a cup of coffee? If it is instant coffee, probably not. If you have a fan-dangled coffee machine, where you use steam to manually aerate the milk, or you are employing people with special needs, then maybe you do.

Questions to ask:

  • Is a new recruit likely to need to refer to a procedure? If so, you will need one. If people are recruited with a certain education or skills level (such as a tradesperson), then you probably don’t need to cover how to operate a common drill, but if you have specialized equipment you would need a procedure to cover it
  • How much risk is associated with using the equipment? If there is a serious risk of injury or damage, then you will need a procedure to ensure all risks are identified and controlled. Whilst you could imagine incidents that occur with using a wheelbarrow, it would be reasonable to assume most people could use one reasonably safely, without specialized instruction. (You may, however, consider general training on manual handling, which most reasonably intelligent people could apply to using a wheelbarrow.)

Beware of having procedures for simplistic tasks. If you assume people are idiots, you can be sure they’ll live up to your expectations. On the other hand, put yourself in the shoes of a new recruit when identifying procedures, not an experienced person. Don’t assume they know things that are not common to everyday life, unless they have specific training in your field.

Should the person who does the job write the procedure?

The popular wisdom about writing procedures used to be: “the person who does the job should write the procedure” and some people still believe it. Certainly the person who does the job should be the person who tells how it is done. They should be the one who performs it for the person writing the procedure, but oftentimes the person who does the job and is good at the job, does not have the skills required to write a good procedure.

Writing a good procedure is not simply a matter of “telling how it is done.” Yes it is a sequential set of steps, but how to write those steps, and knowing what to include and what to leave out requires considerable skill.

What makes a good procedure? A good procedure does the job it is intended to do. What job do we want it to do? For the small business owner, often you want procedures so that the business can function without you, so that you can focus on growing the business. You may also want to write procedures to figure out just what it is you do, because the business has grown organically and is no longer structured. Or you may simply want to train new people and you’re not sure what they need to know. For the manager in a business large or small, you want consistency in how processes are performed, so that customers receive a uniform quality product or service ensuring you always meet their expectations. When staff move on, you want to capture their expertise and pass it on seamlessly to the next employee. To meet all of these requirements, a good procedure defines the steps of the process clearly and concisely, in the order that they are performed, captures tips about quality and safety,  and is easily followed by a person who may be new to the organisation.

When creating procedures, you have a couple of options. You can train your people up with the skills to write procedures, or you can get someone in who already has the skills to write procedures. If your people have good computer, writing and communication skills, they can learn to write procedures in a reasonable timeframe. You will then need to allow them time off doing the job to write the procedures, because good procedures do take time to write. But don’t expect that people who are good at their job instinctively know how to communicate their expertise in writing. Expect that they will need coaching, guidance and time to hone their skills. If you don’t have that time or your people don’t have that expertise, a skilled technical writer can capture best practice and write user-friendly procedures by watching your top people perform the job and asking relevant questions.

See the Techwriting Methodology page for more tips or call me for help on +61 (0)419243636

Eliminating your top frustrations

What causes your business the most pain? What really irks you in terms of waste or annoyance?

When we asked small business owners about their top frustrations, there were 2 topics that kept recurring: finding, training and keeping good staff, and getting some time out for themselves. Of course, these 2 topics are related. If you have good employees who know their job well and whom you can trust, you can take time off and let the business run itself for a while. But how do you get to that point, and why do so many business owners find it so hard?

Probably you started your business because you were great at what you do. Even now, you probably can do a better job than any of your employees. You’re worried that if you go away, things will slip. Maybe you’re right, but maybe it’s worth it for the break. Then again, if you lose too much business, maybe it isn’t. So how do we sort these problems?

To be able to take time off and be confident that you will not take unacceptable losses by doing so, you need to be sure that your personnel know what to do and are capable of making good decisions. For now, let’s concentrate on how to free yourself from having to be available all the time and assume your employees are essentially capable and trustworthy.

Employees are forced to depend on you if:

• There are some tasks that only you know how to do
• Their roles and responsibilities are not clearly defined
• Processes are not clearly defined and documented
• You are the expert and your employees have limited technical or product knowledge
• Customers keep asking for you
• There is no one who can fill in if someone is away

Before you can safely take time off, you need to fix these situations.

The tasks only you know how to do

The solution to this is pretty obvious. You need to identify those tasks that only you know how to do and train someone else to do them.

As the business owner, it is likely that you are the first one there in the morning and you open up the place, check stock levels and turn equipment on. At the end of the day you probably close off the till, run reports and do the banking and backups. When things are busy, you usually hop in and get your hands dirty doing whatever your business does. If there is a difficult technical problem, you will probably be the final support person. Whatever it is that you know how to do that no one else does, document and train someone else to do. Write a procedure for start-of-day and end-of-day. If you know you get a rush-hour of customers at a particular time, train your office or accounts people in the rudiments of serving customers. They will probably welcome the break from staring into a computer screen. And as you tackle difficult technical problems, document them and pass on your experience at your next staff meeting so that next time they won’t need you to solve it.

Roles and responsibilities

Do your employees know what tasks they are each responsible for, or do you need to regularly point out things for them to do? Will they sit on their arses if you are not around to point out to them the things that need doing? Do they know which issues they have the authority to make decisions on and which they should defer to you?

One person should have primary responsibility for each regular or intermittent task. That doesn’t mean only one person ever does it, or knows how to do it. It just means one person is responsible for ensuring it gets done.

To define roles and responsibilities, you need 2 lists: a list of people who work in your business and a list of tasks that need to be done. You may like to divide these tasks into daily, weekly, monthly and annual. You may also like to divide them up into categories such as acquiring stock, stock management, marketing, sales, asset maintenance, accounts, personnel services and operations. Some of these categories, such as operations, may need to be subdivided. In an established business, the easiest way to come up with the list is often to simply ask each of your people what they do each day, each week, each month, each year or one-off jobs that they have needed to do.

Once you have your lists, split tasks up amongst your people in a way that makes best use of their talents and their time. Next, give them a bit of freedom to improve the way things are done. Allow the key person for each process to define or modify the procedure, in consultation with others if appropriate, to come up with the best way of doing it. For some responsibilities you might give them a budget to spend how they feel most fit. For example, one of your employees may be made responsible for maintaining the building. This may include keeping the premises (including the kitchen and toilet) clean, reorganising shelving and stock and ensuring equipment is well-maintained. Sit down with them and work out a realistic budget, listing all of the things that you’d expect the budgeted amount to cover. Ensure you break the budget up into, say, expected monthly spend, so that it doesn’t all disappear at the beginning of the year. From then on, the only time your staff need to consult you is if they foresee it going over budget. To reassure yourself, you can ask them to report monthly to you so that things don’t get out of hand without you realising.

Documenting processes

Once again, it is pretty obvious how to solve this one. Often the hard part is knowing where to start. Most businesses write a procedure either when someone goes on leave (or leaves the business) and they realise no one else knows how to do it, or when there is an incident. This is not the ideal way, because you will end up with gaps and overlaps. The best approach is, as already mentioned, to take a structured approach when you define roles and responsibilities. There’s no need to reinvent the wheel. If a piece of equipment comes with good, clear instructions and there is an external training course available at reasonable cost, you probably don’t need to write an internal procedure on it. Or if you do your accounts using a well-known software package, you may need only a checklist to ensure all tasks are completed. However, if there is a complex process that only one person in your business (such as you) does on a regular basis, then you definitely need a clear, detailed procedure and you should train at least one other person to be able to do it in their (or your) absence. When working out what procedures you need, in addition to tasks, you need to consider what can go wrong and how you want people to handle those things. For example, you will need emergency procedures, even though, with good procedures you plan not to have emergencies. You should also consider things that can go wrong that are outside of your control, such as power outages.

Set up a folder for procedures, organised in a logical way, and ensure people know they are available and where to find them. Also, review them regularly. They are no good to you if no one can find them when they are needed, or they are not up-to-date.

You are the expert

If you are the expert and you do not pass on your knowledge, you can forget having time off. Somehow, you need to pass your knowledge on. You will probably do this randomly through the course of your work. Your employees watch you and listen to you and learn your product knowledge, if they happen to see or hear you. But there will always be gaps, and in any case, if you’re a smart cookie, you’ll be continuing to learn.

To overcome this, you need to define what a person needs to know to do the job. If they are selling products, they will need to know the products and be familiar with their uses. Once again, we can do this in a structured manner. Categorise your products. Perhaps you deal in pumps, pipes and fittings. What are the different types of pumps you sell? How are each of the different pumps used? What are the pros and cons of each type? What sizes do the pipes come in, and what materials are they made of? What are their typical uses? What fittings are available? Look at each category and work out what your employees need to know about each of the categories.

Then start training your people, and when you think they are trained, check their knowledge. Send them to supplier training courses then ask them to present what they learnt to the rest of the staff. Run regular training sessions yourself, then listen to them talk to customers, or get them to train other staff. Run regular toolbox meetings and pass on what you’ve learnt this week. Ask each of your staff to come up with one new thing they’ve learnt since the last meeting. Make all of your people experts.

Customers keep asking for you

Naturally you are passionate about your business and about customer service and you have developed fantastic rapport with your customers. But if you are the only one your customers will deal with, you might as well remain a sole trader. How do you wean your customers off you and get your staff to take care of them? First, make sure you introduce your staff to your customers. After a friendly chat, ask your staff to look after them and head for the office, looking busy. Make some phone calls if necessary. You can even hide when you see them coming, or get your staff to tell them you are tied up with another customer and can they help them? Continually tell your customers about your wonderful staff, so that your customers feel confident with them. And if you’re away for the week and truly unavailable, and they are well looked-after while you are away, chances are they won’t ask for you next time.

There is no one to fill in

It doesn’t make sense to be away during the busiest times of the year, so you may have to plan your holidays around the quieter times. You need to plan ahead and train up your regular staff to be able to do your jobs, and organise some casual staff to cover the simpler jobs. In a small business, think about relatives or friends who may like a bit of extra pocket money. In some cases you may need to use the services of a labour hire company, but if you do, ensure you have adequate procedures and training for them to get to know your processes. Allocate them the simpler tasks, so that you don’t need to do too much training, plus a regular “buddy” to train them and keep an eye on them.

Overall, the key to getting time off is having a structured, well-documented business with reliable, well-trained employees. Then, even if you don’t take a holiday, you can free up time to work on strategies to grow and improve your business.

If you’d like some help or advice call me: Rosemary O’Donoghue +61(0)412 302055 or email me rosemary@techwriting.net.au

Ensure everything you do is worthwhile

What does your business do and how? How do people use their time? Are results achieved in the most efficient and effective way? Until you know the answers to these questions, you can be sure you are spending time and resources unnecessarily.

Many business owners and managers just don’t know where to start when it comes to improving their business. Often, over time, it has become too busy and changed too quickly that they get to a point where they simply seem to be running, ever-faster, on the spot.

So what’s the first step in untangling the threads (or knots)? The first step is to understand your processes. You need to map out each and every task that is, or may need to be performed; on a day-to-day business, periodically, occasionally and those that you may need to perform in an emergency (as part of your risk management strategy). To find out how to map out your processes see the Methodology page.

Once you have all your procedures written, or even just mapped out, you can define the purpose of each task and the value it adds to your products or your business. All processes must add value, otherwise you don’t need to do them! In leanspeak it’s called Value Stream Mapping, but you don’t need to learn Lean lingo to get a good feel for the value (or not) of each of your processes.

First, identify the purpose of each procedure that is performed. What does it achieve?  Does it directly add value to a product, does it enable other processes to occur, or does it simply make your business a great place to work? (which is very important, too!)  How much does it add, and how much does it cost to add that value? For example, a painted board is worth more than an unpainted one (even if it is not quite ready to be sold until it is packaged), so the process of painting adds value to the board. Refilling the paint container may not add value to the board, but it allows the board to be painted, indirectly adding value. Refilling the paint container is therefore part of the process of painting the board and its cost in time and materials has to be considered when you are working out the payoff.

Just identifying the result of a process can cause “light bulb” moments. Oftentimes, tasks are done simply “because we’ve always done them.” You may suddenly realise that a particular report is not looked at or used by anyone, or that a weekly maintenance is done on a guillotine that hasn’t been used for 3 years. Now you can look at each process and decide if it is needed, if the cost of performing it is in keeping with the value added, or if the result can be achieved in a different way: better, cheaper or requiring less effort.

The Ideal Shift Manager

Shift Managers often have the most difficult management job, yet they typically have had the least amount of management training. Often they are people who have come from the factory floor, outstanding Operators who have been noticed and promoted. They typically have more people directly reporting to them than do middle or higher managers, as well as a changing pool of casuals. They are the first port of call when anything goes wrong and can spend a large proportion of their time putting out fires. If you asked them to describe a typical day or shift, they are likely to tell you that anything can happen. They may believe their role is to “keep things running smoothly” but attempt to achieve this by running from one issue to the next. When there are no issues, Shift Managers may feel justified in taking a well-deserved breather. Then the cycle continues.

Obviously, this is no way to manage. What would we expect from the ideal Shift Manager? It is a given that Shift Managers know their equipment and processes thoroughly. Since most have come from the floor, this is not usually an issue. Production Managers in food processing plants say they want Shift Managers who can manage people. They want people who have their finger on the pulse, who know exactly what is happening on their shift at all times. They want people who can develop their people and delegate responsibilities. They want accurate reporting. They want people with an eye for continuous improvement, who fix problems rather than get around problems and are always looking for smarter ways to do things.

What should be a typical routine for a Shift Manager? The first thing to do on a shift is to gather information. The ideal Shift Manager will check the Production Plan and find out where it is up to. They will talk to the outgoing Shift Manager and find out any issues from the previous shift. They will look at what needs to happen on their own shift and begin to plan for it. Planning involves checking manning levels and making arrangements to adjust if required, or if necessary, adjusting the workload to fit the available manpower. It involves liaising with maintenance/reliability personnel if there is going to be a changeover or if there are any equipment issues, liaising with stores to confirm availability of raw and packaging materials, and liaising with Production Planning to confirm expectations. Initial information-gathering may be done in the office, but early on the ideal Shift Manager will be walking the floor.

Most production problems will snowball to the end of the line, so an indicator on how well production is running can be found by viewing the end of the line. If product is reaching the end and is running at full capability, then chances are all is well up the line. The ideal Shift Manager will check output rates and open packets to check quality, then walk on up the line with eyes wide open along the way.

The ideal Shift Manager is responsible for safety, quality and environment. But how does that translate into day to day tasks?

For safety, it involves ensuring everyone on their shift is following safe practices. It means that when they walk the floor they notice and immediately correct any unsafe practices. The ideal Shift Manager will never walk past any rubbish or spills left on the floor. They will never walk past a forklift parked inside the Production Area or a rubbish bin left in the walkway. They will never walk past a water leak from a freezer or a spill of oil from a fryer. They will never walk past someone lifting incorrectly or not wearing their PPE correctly. The ideal Shift Manager will ensure issues are attended to immediately and counsel the people who are responsible or who worked nearby without fixing the issue. The ideal Shift Manager will ensure the safety committee meets regularly and that their suggestions are followed up. They will ensure incidents are recorded and investigated immediately, not next time the people involved are on shift.

For quality and food safety, it involves personally regularly checking quality along the line, and periodically being involved in taste testing. It involves ensuring checks are being performed and recorded and are within spec at all times. It involves helping with quality issues and having a good understanding of the variables affecting quality. The ideal Shift Manager will monitor the cold chain and notice, and take corrective action, when too much product is recycled around the system because the line speed is not adjusted to robot picking speed, or robot programming requires optimization. They will notice damaged or failing equipment and schedule it for attention by maintenance.

Managing environmental control involves monitoring cleaning practices. Is all dried product shoveled, swept or vacuumed before water is used? Is waste correctly separated into the right bins? Does minimal product residue go down the drains? Is effluent monitoring meeting specs?

Towards the end of a shift, the ideal Shift Manager will prepare for a handover. They will do their best to have issues resolved and everything in order. They will complete reporting and reflect on what went well and what they can improve. They will give a detailed handover and share learning with their Shift counterparts.

The ideal Shift Manager will coach and develop staff. They will know the capabilities of their people and they will continuously develop them according to a plan. When planning a shift, they will look for ways to give people opportunities for learning. They will be comfortable delegating because they will delegate to people they have developed and can trust. The ideal Shift Manager will create a culture of cooperation across departments, encouraging people to help each other. They will need to be very organized, disciplined and calm in very busy environments, able to prioritize and systematically work their way through issues.

So where do you find the ideal Shift Manager? Probably on your shift. They are unlikely to have all of the qualities right now, but if you plan ahead and develop them, they may have them by the time you need a new Shift Manager. The most important thing is that Shift Managers understand their responsibilities and what is expected of them, and understand the day to day behaviours that will meet these expectations. Basic requirements are that they have integrity, they treat people with respect, they are good communicators, and they are people who get things done. The rest you can develop in them.

Procedures for compliance

Often the real reason companies write procedures is for compliance, to meet certain statutory or regulatory requirements. To put it plainly, they have to have procedures “to cover their arse.” While it may not be the purest of motives (it’s a bit like not murdering someone only because you don’t want to go to hell) we are human nonetheless and, if you agree with Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, we need to feel safe before we can satisfy higher needs.

But why do regulatory authorities demand that you have procedures?

Having procedures is really just an early step in a risk management strategy. Having procedures is an initial step in controlling risks associated with health and safety, with managing quality and in minimising waste – be it material, time or money. No matter whether your focus is health and safety or productivity or profit, having good procedures is crucial in managing the business.

If there is a serious incident on your site, one of the first things external investigators will ask is: “Where are your procedures?” It’s not as though having procedures will automatically prevent incidents. It’s just that they need to ascertain how the task is performed so that that they can then investigate whether it was performed as intended. But if you don’t have procedures, you’re immediately stumped. Then, regardless of whether a written procedure would have prevented the incident, you cannot prove that you have taken reasonable actions to protect your staff.

When you need procedures for compliance, make sure you get good value out of them. Ensure they are accurate, up-to-date and user-friendly and you will achieve additional benefits associated with safety, with managing quality and minimising waste, as well as keeping regularity authorities off your back.

Decide on your procedure format

Decide on a format

The format you choose will depend on your purpose and use. If they are to be used to train new people or as a day-to-day reference, you will need something short and sharp that is easy to carry around and refer to. Your language will need to be very concise and pictures showing how-to-do are recommended. A common problem, even when businesses do have procedures, is getting people to refer to them. If they are lengthy, wordy and uninteresting, you’ll be battling to get them to leave the filing cabinet or the computer screen.

If you are documenting for compliance reasons, everyone knows what they are doing, and you don’t expect people to refer to procedures, then it may not be worth putting in the extra effort to make them concise and attractive. However, if you don’t put in the extra work to ensure your procedures are concise, chances are you have not examined your processes well enough and they too may be unnecessarily complex and lengthy.

If your procedures are only to refer to from time to time, when something unusual happens, or if a key person is away, you may not need to worry too much about format. However, be sure instructions are clear. Pictures are also helpful and convey a lot of information, without having to use too many words.

Sometimes you may be locked into the company format. If it is not very good, lobby to change it. Some tips for good templates:
• Use pictures – they convey much more information in a short space than words, they are interpreted more quickly, and they add interest
• Organise in tables – say a 2 or 3 column format. That way you can align pictures with relevant text
• Chunk information into small groups of around 5 – 7 steps. Use headings to describe what is achieved in each group of steps
• Include company logo in a prominent position
• Keep the template consistent – that way people know where to look for the information they need
• Avoid “Purpose” and “Scope” headings. The title of the procedure should indicate purpose and scope
• Ensure the procedure title is in the most “stand-out” text
• Include document control info, but in a brief header or footer – don’t let it dominate
• Keep generic and repeated information to a minimum (e.g. warnings, generic safety info.) People quickly learn to ignore it.